It’s easy to turn a blind eye to toxic love when you are in love with the idea of someone more than that person themselves and you allow yourself to endure mistreatment in a desperate attempt to cling to the relationship, despite feeling unsupported, unheard, undervalued, and unloved. But still, we somehow manage to put up with feeling this way because the thought of not being with them is too difficult to imagine.

If any of the following signs resonate with your relationship, I encourage you to reflect on your current situation and find the courage to understand just how much you deserve and take steps towards a healthier and more fulfilling connection.

1. You find yourself making excuses for their behavior.

Have you ever found yourself defending your partner when a family member or friend has questioned you about something they did that they didn’t agree with? When you are in a toxic relationship, it feels embarrassing to admit to yourself (and to others) that you are feeling mistreated, so you resort to making excuses to try to justify their actions, or sometimes you even blame yourself. You might say that they are just having a bad day, or they are stressed at work or just going through something difficult. The truth is, even if your partner is having a bad day, or if they are going through a hard time, that shouldn’t change the way you are treated, and no matter what someone else is going through, you are still worthy of love and respect.

2. You constantly feel a negative energy in their presence.

Have you ever been in a relationship where your mood takes a sudden dip the moment you’re around your partner? Have you ever felt the confusion of loving someone so deeply, but hating the way you feel about yourself when you are with them? A significant sign of a toxic relationship is when your partner frequently belittles you, criticizes your actions, or undermines your self-esteem. Genuine love can lift you up, it can make you feel free, it can make you feel accepted, and it can help you see all the things there are to love about yourself. Loving someone else should never make you love yourself less, and you should never be pouring so much into your partner that you leave yourself emotionally and physically drained, with nothing left for yourself.

 3. The bad times feel more frequent than the good times.

Are you in a relationship where it feels like the challenging times seem to outweigh the good times? When you reflect on your relationship, do you feel like the communication leans more on the negative side rather than the positive, and you and your partner argue more than you are pleasant with one another? If so, I know it isn’t easy, but it might be time to accept the fact that your relationship is toxic and there may not be a positive and fulfilling future ahead of you if you stay in this situation.

4. You feel isolated from your friends and family.

This happens for many reasons. In some cases, this is your own doing because you feel embarrassed to admit that behind closed doors you are unhappy in your relationship so you try to hide it as much as you can, and in other cases, your partner is doing this in an attempt to control you. Whatever the reason behind it, it’s incredibly unhealthy to feel cut-off from your support network and if you are noticing this pattern in your relationship, please remember that your loved ones will never judge you and are there to support. This is your reminder that the connection you have with your friends and family is far too important to sacrifice for the sake of someone who doesn’t value you.

5. You are clinging onto the idea that things might be better one day.

Have you ever experienced the pain of falling in love with someone—not because of who they are but because of who they could be? Are you in love with the way you want things to be and not the way they actually are? Are you holding onto empty promises and waiting around for things to improve? If so, I want you to know that you deserve someone who keeps their promises, someone who has more than just potential. You deserve someone who follows through, you deserve to have every little bit of energy you put in, given back.

6. You have serious doubts about the future of your relationship.

Doubt is a warning sign that too many people ignore. Please don’t sacrifice your happiness for something that you know feels wrong. Love shouldn’t make you feel unhappy, it shouldn’t make you constantly question if the relationship will work long-term. Doubting the future of your relationship can feel like your head already knows the answer but your heart wants to hold on.

7. You notice controlling or manipulative behavior.

A common sign of a toxic relationship (and one that can be quite hard to come to terms with or admit to others) is when you notice controlling or manipulative behavior. If you have experienced isolation, gaslighting, criticism, guilt-tripping, conditional affection, the silent treatment, lying, emotional blackmail or financial control in your relationship, these are all signs of a controlling partner and should not be ignored or accepted. If you suspect you are being controlled by your partner please seek support from friends, family, or a mental health professional.  

If you have recognized more than one of these signs in your own relationship, please remember that it’s okay to realize there isn’t a future where you once hoped there was. Remember that you need more than love to make a relationship work. Trust that all the love you have given to the wrong people will find its way back to all the people who are truly meant to be in your life. I know that leaving your comfort zone is scary, but there is so much more to life, so much more to love, than a toxic, negative relationship.

1. He only makes plans with you at the last minute.

You try to make concrete plans in advance, but he always has some excuse why he can’t. Like maybe work is “being weird” or he hasn’t been feeling well. He says he’ll check in with you later, but he only ever okays plans if they’re for the same night.

2. He cancels plans without a clear reason why.

And if you do make plans, half of them don’t even go through. He has last minute problems more often than could ever be reasonable. You accept the excuses because you like him, when in reality he’s just off seeing another girl.

3. There are big gaps in his texting habits.

Sometimes you’re texting all afternoon. The banter is wonderful. Then he might go MIA for an entire day at a time. I have bad news for you: He isn’t texting you because he’s out with another girl. He’ll text you again when she’s gone, but is that good enough?

4. He doesn’t remember key details about you.

You texted him all about your promotion at work, but when you bring it up in person, he congratulates you like this is the first time he’s heard about it. Clearly he isn’t hanging onto your every word like you are for him.

5. …Or he’s gotten things all wrong.

He mentions your brother, but you only have a sister. Or maybe he talks about his own life as if you already heard it. He’s talking to more people than just you, and he’s having a tough time keeping his stories straight.

6. He won’t define the relationship.

Every time you try to take things to the next level, he dodges you. He says he’ll discuss it later. Or he’ll say, “Why should we define anything? We’re having so much fun as we are.” Even if he isn’t talking to other girls–and that’s a big if–he’s clearly not into this the way you are.

7. He won’t post pictures of you online or make it official on socials.

Not only does he not post you on Instagram, but he asks you not to post pictures of him on your socials either. He says it’s for privacy or that he’s just not big on social media, but his profiles would beg to differ. This is a huge red flag, babe. Not only is he probably talking to someone else, but there’s a good chance she’s his full-on girlfriend, fiancée, or wife.

You deserve better.

They left you excited half the time – and disappointed the other half.

You deserve a partner who is consistent. They shouldn’t pick and choose when to treat you right. They shouldn’t bring you immense joy one day, and immense disappointment the next. If the one who got away only felt like the one half the time, then they weren’t enough for you. You need someone who shows up every single day, no excuses.

You weren’t the best version of yourself around them.

Your partner should bring out your best qualities, not your worst. You should like who you are when they’re standing in a room with you. If this person mostly brought out your jealous side or your mopey side, then they aren’t actually your soulmate. You deserve someone who makes you want to be the best partner possible. Someone who inspires you to reach your full potential.

You put in noticeably more effort than they did.

You might feel like they were the one who got away because your feelings for them were so strong – but you need to ask yourself whether they actually put any effort into being with you. Remember, you can’t sustain a relationship with someone who is uninterested in putting in the work. You need a partner who is going to make you feel loved and supported. A partner who is going to do their fair share of the work, even when it’s inconvenient.

You had conflicting feelings about how to spend the rest of your lives.

You need to have aligning views for the future in order to make a relationship last. If you felt differently about how many children you wanted to have (and if you wanted to have any at all), whether you wanted to get married, and the location you wanted to live, then you’re better off apart. Neither of you should have to sacrifice what you really want to be together.

You shared different values.

Having chemistry is one thing. But having shared values is another thing entirely. You can’t make a relationship last based on passion alone. You need so much more than that in order to spend the rest of your lives together, so if the one who got away was on a completely different page than you, it was never meant to last.

They failed to prioritize you.

You can’t expect to be your partner’s whole world – but you should be a huge part of it. If the one who got away never treated you like a priority, then a relationship never would have worked, despite how much they cared for you. You deserve a relationship where your partner treats you like a priority, not a bonus or a backup plan.

The Art of Just Enough

The bare minimum man is nothing if not a master of balance. He knows just how much to give to keep you interested, yet not enough to offer any real sense of security or stability. His texts are sporadic, his plans vague, and his affection doled out in carefully measured doses. It’s a dance of ambiguity, where you find yourself constantly questioning his feelings, his intentions, and your place in his life. And in this state of perpetual uncertainty, you become hooked, addicted to the highs of his sporadic attention and the lows of his frequent disappearances. You dissect every interaction, searching for hidden meanings and signs that he’s just as invested as you are. But the truth is elusive, always just out of reach, leaving you craving more, needing more, yet uncertain if more is something he’s capable of giving.

The Seduction of Uncertainty

What is it about uncertainty that proves so undeniably seductive? The bare minimum man thrives in this space of ambiguity, creating a magnetic pull that draws you in, time and time again. His unpredictability keeps you on your toes, creating a sense of excitement and anticipation that’s hard to resist. And yet, this very uncertainty breeds anxiety, a constant state of limbo where you’re unsure of where you stand, unsure of whether to hold on or let go. It’s a precarious balance, a tightrope walk between hope and despair, and it leaves you vulnerable, open to the allure of potential and the promise of what could be.

The Addiction to Potential

The bare minimum man is an expert at showcasing potential. He offers glimpses of the man he could be, the relationship that could unfold, if only he would commit, if only he would try. And it’s in these glimpses that we find ourselves ensnared, captivated by the vision of what could be. It’s an intoxicating idea, the notion of being the one to inspire change, to unlock the depths of his affection and commitment. But this addiction to potential is dangerous, a double-edged sword that keeps us tethered to relationships that are always just out of reach, always just a bit lacking. We invest time, energy, and emotion, hoping that our efforts will be enough to bridge the gap, to turn potential into reality. The bare minimum man remains elusive, always just beyond grasp, leaving us chasing shadows and yearning for more.

Breaking the Cycle

So how do we break free? How do we extricate ourselves from the tangled web of the bare minimum man? It begins with introspection, with a deep and honest look within. Why are we drawn to the unavailable? What void are we trying to fill? It’s about recognizing our worth, understanding that we are deserving of a love that is loud, proud, and unequivocal. It’s about setting boundaries, demanding respect, and refusing to settle for anything less than we deserve. And it’s about understanding that sometimes, walking away is the most powerful act of self-love there is.

The journey with a bare minimum man is fraught with complexity, with highs and lows that leave us dizzy and disoriented. But in the midst of the chaos, there is a lesson, a call to action. It’s a reminder to choose ourselves, to honor our worth, and to seek out relationships that uplift, empower, and celebrate us in all our glory. So here’s to breaking the cycle, to stepping out of the dance of ambiguity, and into the light of our true worth. You are worth more than the bare minimum, and it’s time to embrace that truth with open arms.

The Red Herring Test.

A narcissistic person lacks empathy and is willing to use whatever vulnerability they sense you have against you in order to exploit you. If you throw out a “red herring,” a false clue as to what triggers, fears, or wounds you may have, no matter how big or small, you will find that the narcissist will deliberately use this against you. For example, you may be very confident about your figure, but if you tell someone you suspect is toxic that you are insecure about it, you can bet that they will suddenly start to pick at your weight. With the red herring test, you can compel the narcissist to reveal themselves and their true nature early on so you can exit the relationship safely.

The Envy and Covert Sabotage Test.

Narcissists are pathologically envious of anyone with talents, achievements, beauty, personality traits, or popularity that surpasses theirs. Research supports that they have malicious envy – the type of envy that causes them to go out of their way to try to sabotage the people who have what they covet. That is why, if you disclose an achievement, a big interview or meeting, or any type of cause of celebration, you must watch closely for their reaction. You can choose to use a red herring here too; for example, mention that you have an interview coming up but rather than saying the actual date of the interview, suggest it is the next morning. A true narcissist will usually instigate a crazymaking argument, attempt to sabotage the interview, make you lose sleep or make a minimizing or otherwise covertly cruel comment right before they think this event is coming up. This will expose their motives and need to sabotage you, and you will be able to opt out of the relationship before it escalates.

The Boundary or Bare Minimum Test.

 While the narcissist is effusively charming during the love bombing stage, they are absolutely ruthless during the devaluation stage of the relationship. If you are having doubts as to whether or not a narcissist is love bombing you in a superficial manner or genuinely interested, it can be helpful to use the boundary or bare minimum test. You may set a boundary and see how they react to it or ask them to meet certain expectations (usually the bare minimum). For example, you may say you cannot go out one night when you’re usually always available because you’re tired, or you might ask them to text you when they get home one night if you usually don’t. If they lash out in rage or overstep your boundary, you know that at the very least you may be dealing with a toxic person who is not compatible with you. If they punish, stonewall, verbally abuse, or gaslight you when you ask for the bare minimum, or give you an ultimatum, you know that at the very least you are dealing with someone who cannot even meet basic standards of communication or accountability. You deserve more than toxic relationships. You deserve freedom, healing, and thriving.

According to researcher Dr. Gottman, there are “four men of the apocalypse” or four communication styles in a relationship that can predict its inevitable demise. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

Stonewalling is when a person withdraws from a conversation or discussion and refuses to address your concerns. The person may choose to outright ignore your requests, respond with dismissive, invalidating replies or evade responding appropriately altogether by giving vague responses that refuse to answer your original questions.

In many cases, when one partner stonewalls another, the conversation is shut down before it even has a chance to begin.

Withdrawing from a partner like this can be extremely damaging to a relationship over time. As researcher Dr. Paul Schrodt (2013) discovered, this demand-withdraw pattern in relationships, in which one partner withdraws and the other partner becomes increasingly demanding in response, can cause anxiety, depression and further conflict within a relationship. While some partners (especially male partners) tend to use stonewalling to avoid conflict, what happens is that it actually causes more emotional friction.

Stonewalling: An Example

Let’s say that Mary is concerned with the way that her partner, Tom, has been treating her recently. He has been neglecting her and criticizing her constantly. She attempts to bring it up to him during dinner, only to be met with his stony silence. He gaslights her and tells her she’s overreacting. When she tries to explain herself, he abruptly says, “I am done!”

Shortly after, he leaves the dinner table, exits the apartment without another word and refuses to answer her subsequent phone calls. The conversation hasn’t even had a chance to begin before it’s already over. He returns her call the next day and acts as if nothing has happened. When Mary tries to bring up the incident, he tells her, “You should speak to your therapist about this,” and hangs up on her without waiting for her response.

In this scenario, Tom yet again stonewalls her, emotionally invalidates her and rudely redirects the conversation, unwilling to address the issues at hand even as they continue to build beneath the surface. This causes more distress to Mary and unnecessary tension and trauma. Had he actually taken the time to address her concerns, however, the outcome could’ve been far more productive and peaceful.

Stonewalling and The Silent Treatment

Usually, stonewalling and the silent treatment go hand in hand. After the victim has been stonewalled, the other person is treated to a form of silence that is deafening. Yet the silent treatment can also occur without warning or stonewalling as well.

In an abusive relationship with a narcissist, the silent treatment and stonewalling are manipulative tactics embedded within the abuse cycle. In the beginning of the cycle, the narcissist may love-bomb their victim and idealize them, giving them excessive amounts of attention to win them over.

In the devaluation phase of the relationship, the tables are turned and the victim is provoked into trying to “win over” the narcissist. The toxic partner abruptly withdraws from their victim, unwilling to respond for a period of time with little to no explanation whatsoever. This silent treatment causes their partner excessive anxiety, fear and a persistent sense of self-doubt. The narcissist thrives off of the power and control they feel as they continue to pull the strings of the victim like a master puppeteer.

In the context of an abusive relationship, both techniques are deliberately used as control tactics – ways to intimidate, belittle and demean the victim into feeling insignificant. When a narcissist gives you the silent treatment, it’s a way to devalue you and make you feel invisible. It provokes you into reacting so that you are prone to doing whatever you can to gain back their attention and approval.

“In relationships, stonewalling is the emotional equivalent to cutting off someone’s oxygen.  The emotional detachment inherent to stonewalling is a form of abandonment and the effect that it has on a spouse is dramatic.

The initial feelings of terror – which are usually below the water line of awareness – are typically followed by secondary feelings of anger and, then, aggressive efforts to get some emotional reaction – any emotional reaction – even a negative one.  And when these efforts fail, the internal response for your spouse is predictable.  He doesn’t care.  He doesn’t love me.  He’s left me.” – Jeffrey J. Pipe, Psy.D, Stonewalling vs. Empathy

Although stonewalling appears to place an end to communication, it actually speaks volumes and communicates something quite cruel to the person on the receiving end. Regardless of the intention of the person doing the stonewalling, this behavior communicates to their partner the following: “You’re not worth responding to. Your thoughts and feelings don’t matter to me. You don’t matter to me.”

The Psychological Effects of Stonewalling and The Silent Treatment

The silent treatment and stonewalling can have actual effects on the brain. Research indicates that such behaviors are a form of ostracism which activates the anterior cingulate cortex, the same part of the brain that detects physical pain.

Being ignored can leave someone feeling injured – literally. These effects can linger powerfully for the victim, causing fresh abandonment wounds and reinforcing old ones. 

“Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realize the emotional or physical harm that is being done.” – Dr. Kipling Williams, Purdue University

While stonewalling can happen occasionally even in healthy relationships as a defense mechanism or coping method for conflict, it has harmful implications when it is used chronically as an abuse tactic by a toxic partner, such as a narcissist, a sociopath or a psychopath.

Occasionally in a relationship, someone might want a “break” from communicating to cool off. When that happens, both partners communicate that this is what they need. They do so in a manner that is both respectful and considerate.

Stonewalling by a narcissistic partner, however, is different. It is callous, cold and charged with manipulative intent. Toxic partners like these use stonewalling as a way to further their abuse and to cause their victims intense emotional pain. Normal, healthy partners might stonewall as a way to get out of conflict, but toxic and manipulative partners do so as a way to one-up their victims and provoke them into losing emotional control.

So long as the victim is driven to “win back” the toxic person, the stonewaller is able to continue to ignore the victim’s needs while the victim doubles their efforts to please them.

What To Do If You’re Being Stonewalled

If you’re being stonewalled in an abusive relationship and have tried to communicate your feelings to no avail, realize that the problem is not you. If this is a chronic problem, step away from the self-blame and stop walking on eggshells in an attempt to please a partner who refuses to be pleased. A toxic person’s communication patterns cannot be changed unless that person is willing to change them.

While stonewalling can be improved in the context of healthier relationships where both partners are willing to work on dysfunctional patterns, in an unhealthy relationship with a pathological partner, self-care is paramount. You have to learn when it is time to walk away and detach from this person. Otherwise, you’re just feeding into their sick mind games.

When a narcissist stonewalls you or subjects you to the silent treatment, they want you to respond. They want you to chase after them and “beg” for their attention. They want to provoke you. They want to control and diminish you.

Rather than continuing to try to win back their attention or approval, reevaluate whether this relationship is one worth fighting for at all. If someone is giving you the silent treatment, use it as a period of “freedom” to reassess how you can better care for yourself and get the support you need to move forward from their toxicity.

A person who truly cares for you would make an effort to meet your needs, not neglect them. You deserve to be seen, not silenced. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship where your needs are acknowledged and your voice is heard.

We all have 11 soul connections, which are a beautiful, spiritual bond between lovers, family, friends, and even acquaintances. These soul connections are meant to teach us, to guide us, to love us, and to make us feel whole again.

Here are the 11 soul connections we will experience in our lifetime:

Soul Partners

This connection isn’t particularly romantic, though it can be. It’s often a family member, a friend, or even an acquaintance or coworker. This person is someone who provides support on your spiritual journey to find your life purpose. It’s someone who helps you get to where you need to be.

Soul Ties

If you meet someone and instantly feel a connection to them as if you were meant to cross paths with them, that they are meant to be in your life for a reason (though unknown), then they might be a soul tie. Maybe this person challenges or teaches you things in ways that other people don’t, but whatever the case, soul ties are one of the more intense connections.

Think of the invisible string theory: the idea that the Universe connects you to one another with an invisible red string. It’s the person who grew up a block away from you and the two of you meet later in life in a different city. It’s the person who shows up in the back of your photos because you just so happened to attend the same concert. That’s a soul tie.

Romantic Soulmates

When you meet a soulmate, you will feel it in your entire being. Your gut is screaming, This is them. You will feel as if you’ve been waiting your whole life to meet this person. Your connection is natural, easy, and comfortable. They are your person, someone who you are most likely going to spend forever with.

Past-Life Soulmates

Have you ever met someone and instantly felt as if you’ve met them before? Or that you’ve known them before? There’s something familiar and comforting about them, but you can’t seem to put your finger on what that is. This person could be a past-life soulmate.

This is when two souls have shared a life together (or maybe even multiple lives) and they keep finding each other in every lifetime. Maybe in this life, it’s someone you’re in a casual situationship with, but in a past life, it was true love. Maybe in a past life, it was a family member, and in this life, it’s a best friend.

According to Michael Newton, Ph. D., the author of Journey of Souls: A Case Study of Life Between Lives, “Souls do come across time and space for each other.” It is believed that when souls come back together in every life, it’s because they are looking to heal or do better this time around.

Karmic Soulmates

Karma is a concept of action. It’s the energy we put out into the world that eventually makes its way back to us. It can be good or bad, but it really is just a neutral energy of cause and effect.

Karmic soulmates are people who come into our lives to teach us how we can improve ourselves. They shed light on the parts of us that need healing and how we can grow and evolve to become better people.

Twin Flames

The idea of twin flames is that our bodies were split in two with someone and we still share the same soul with them. “Mirrored souls” who see themselves in one another.

A twin flame is an intense soul connection that can be toxic, overwhelming, and incredibly challenging. The purpose of a twin flame is to force us to confront our insecurities and doubts, guide us to the deepest and most feared parts of ourselves, and challenge us to find healing.

Despite how ugly and toxic they can be, they are ultimately meant to help us become the best versions of ourselves. And thankfully, this connection doesn’t last forever. Whenever you are both ready for it, the relationship will come to an end.

Soul Friends

Think of your best friend. They are your soul friend. We will have many, many friendships in our lives. Friends come and go but soul friends stay forever. The two of you inspire, motivate, love, and understand one another on such a deep level. Nothing and no one can tear you apart. “You’re my person.”

Soul Families

This is your “chosen family.” These people are destined to come into your life and as a soul group, you are meant to break negative patterns together. You work together to be a part of something bigger, like working for a similar cause or breaking toxic patterns (like addiction, for example).

Soul Teachers

While this can be an actual teacher who inspired or motivated you, it can also just be a plain old person who teaches you something about yourself. They serve as a gentle guide to the journey you were meant to be on.

For example, maybe it’s your high school English teacher who inspired you to become a writer later on in life. Or maybe it’s a friend’s mom who complimented your fashion sense and encouraged you to make a career out of it.

Soul Crossings

“Right person, wrong time.” — That’s a soul-crossing connection.

Maybe you’re in a relationship with someone but you know that you need some time apart to grow on your own, and so you’ll find one another and try again later on. Think of When Harry Met Sally. That’s a soul-crossing.

Kindred Spirits

Kindred spirits are the people who understand you. It’s someone who shares the same spiritual or cultural beliefs as you, and who most likely has had a similar upbringing or similar life experiences as you. You feel safe in each other’s presence simply because you just get one another in a way that no one will ever understand.

Disagreements and fights are bound to happen in any relationship, including one that is deeply healthy and happy. Merging two human lives is no easy feat, so a bit of turbulence here and there is inevitable.

That said, you do fight right. In other words, you don’t hit below the belt, you communicate openly and honestly, and you take space when things are getting a little too heated. You are both focused on the goal of resolution, not being right. And when the occasion calls for it, you’re able to agree to disagree and move on.

2. You aren’t each other’s “everything.” But you are one another’s priority.

You both have individual identities outside of the relationship. You each have your own friends, hobbies, and goals. You aren’t afraid to spend time apart and encourage one another to pursue each other’s own unique interests.

However, when the time comes to prioritize your relationship, you both do so without fail. You are committed to them and they are equally committed to you in return. Sure, you aren’t each other’s everything; but you do put them first and vice versa whenever the need arises.

3. You have compatible values and goals.

This is one of the more logistical parts of a partnership, but absolutely essential nonetheless. A healthy relationship is one where each partner’s values and life visions align. For example, if you want children and your partner doesn’t, this is a sign that you are not the right fit for one another.

4. The foundation of your partnership is respect and trust.

Because without respect and trust, there is no room for love to grow.

5. You have fun together.

Even if you’re just hanging out on the couch rewatching New Girl reruns, you still enjoy one another’s company. You genuinely love spending time together no matter what. You don’t need to have anything crazy planned in order to have fun.

6. Both of your friends and family support your relationship.

Your family and friends get along with your S.O. You also get along with your partner’s friends and family. As well, they have expressed approval of your partnership. Since your friends and family know you best, this is a telltale sign you and your person are truly healthy together.

7. You choose one another every single day.

In the end, love is more than just a feeling. It is a commitment. You both put in the effort to make each other feel important and valued daily. You each understand how lucky you are to have one another and never take this fact for granted.

You keep giving out second (and third and fourth) chances.

If someone makes a bad habit out of hurting you, then you shouldn’t keep them close. You aren’t cruel for cutting them out of your life. If anything, they are cruel for putting you through the same heartbreak over and over again and expecting you to sit there and take it. Although you might love them, you need to set clear boundaries, or walk away from them once and for all. Either way, make it clear that they cannot keep hurting you without facing consequences.

You believe their words without paying attention to their actions.

It’s easy for someone to apologize, especially when they know you well and can predict exactly the right words to say in order to tug at your heartstrings. Even if they are genuinely apologetic in the moment, what matters is whether their actions change moving forward. Their words are meaningless without their behaviors backing it up, so make sure that you pay attention to whether they are following through on the promises they make you when they are trying to get you back on their good side.  

You keep chasing after the same type of people with different faces.

You don’t want to swap one bad partner out for another. When you’re exiting a bad relationship, take some time to think about the qualities you didn’t enjoy in that person, so you can avoid future partners that are basically a clone of them. That way, you won’t keep feeling like you’re stuck in a cycle, getting hurt in the same ways over and over again by different people. Although it’s impossible to know for sure whether someone is a bad idea before you get to know them, there are always red flags you can keep an eye out for.

You assume that forgiveness equals reconciliation.

Even if you can find it in your heart to forgive someone who has betrayed you, that doesn’t mean you need to continue to give them access to you. You can forgive them while wanting nothing to do with them moving forward. They aren’t owed your attention. It doesn’t matter how much history you share or how much you care about each other. If the smartest move is moving away from them, then you have to do that for your own sake. You have to choose you after a lifetime of putting other people first.

You care more about the hearts of others than your own heart.

Your generosity is beautiful, but it’s possible to care about others and care about yourself at the same time. Moving forward, try to keep in mind what you deserve and what would make you happy instead of automatically sacrificing your desires in order to please others. Although it might feel uncomfortable to choose yourself at first, it’s something you should learn to do. Love yourself. Take care of yourself. You deserve it.