The Red Herring Test.

A narcissistic person lacks empathy and is willing to use whatever vulnerability they sense you have against you in order to exploit you. If you throw out a “red herring,” a false clue as to what triggers, fears, or wounds you may have, no matter how big or small, you will find that the narcissist will deliberately use this against you. For example, you may be very confident about your figure, but if you tell someone you suspect is toxic that you are insecure about it, you can bet that they will suddenly start to pick at your weight. With the red herring test, you can compel the narcissist to reveal themselves and their true nature early on so you can exit the relationship safely.

The Envy and Covert Sabotage Test.

Narcissists are pathologically envious of anyone with talents, achievements, beauty, personality traits, or popularity that surpasses theirs. Research supports that they have malicious envy – the type of envy that causes them to go out of their way to try to sabotage the people who have what they covet. That is why, if you disclose an achievement, a big interview or meeting, or any type of cause of celebration, you must watch closely for their reaction. You can choose to use a red herring here too; for example, mention that you have an interview coming up but rather than saying the actual date of the interview, suggest it is the next morning. A true narcissist will usually instigate a crazymaking argument, attempt to sabotage the interview, make you lose sleep or make a minimizing or otherwise covertly cruel comment right before they think this event is coming up. This will expose their motives and need to sabotage you, and you will be able to opt out of the relationship before it escalates.

The Boundary or Bare Minimum Test.

 While the narcissist is effusively charming during the love bombing stage, they are absolutely ruthless during the devaluation stage of the relationship. If you are having doubts as to whether or not a narcissist is love bombing you in a superficial manner or genuinely interested, it can be helpful to use the boundary or bare minimum test. You may set a boundary and see how they react to it or ask them to meet certain expectations (usually the bare minimum). For example, you may say you cannot go out one night when you’re usually always available because you’re tired, or you might ask them to text you when they get home one night if you usually don’t. If they lash out in rage or overstep your boundary, you know that at the very least you may be dealing with a toxic person who is not compatible with you. If they punish, stonewall, verbally abuse, or gaslight you when you ask for the bare minimum, or give you an ultimatum, you know that at the very least you are dealing with someone who cannot even meet basic standards of communication or accountability. You deserve more than toxic relationships. You deserve freedom, healing, and thriving.

According to researcher Dr. Gottman, there are “four men of the apocalypse” or four communication styles in a relationship that can predict its inevitable demise. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

Stonewalling is when a person withdraws from a conversation or discussion and refuses to address your concerns. The person may choose to outright ignore your requests, respond with dismissive, invalidating replies or evade responding appropriately altogether by giving vague responses that refuse to answer your original questions.

In many cases, when one partner stonewalls another, the conversation is shut down before it even has a chance to begin.

Withdrawing from a partner like this can be extremely damaging to a relationship over time. As researcher Dr. Paul Schrodt (2013) discovered, this demand-withdraw pattern in relationships, in which one partner withdraws and the other partner becomes increasingly demanding in response, can cause anxiety, depression and further conflict within a relationship. While some partners (especially male partners) tend to use stonewalling to avoid conflict, what happens is that it actually causes more emotional friction.

Stonewalling: An Example

Let’s say that Mary is concerned with the way that her partner, Tom, has been treating her recently. He has been neglecting her and criticizing her constantly. She attempts to bring it up to him during dinner, only to be met with his stony silence. He gaslights her and tells her she’s overreacting. When she tries to explain herself, he abruptly says, “I am done!”

Shortly after, he leaves the dinner table, exits the apartment without another word and refuses to answer her subsequent phone calls. The conversation hasn’t even had a chance to begin before it’s already over. He returns her call the next day and acts as if nothing has happened. When Mary tries to bring up the incident, he tells her, “You should speak to your therapist about this,” and hangs up on her without waiting for her response.

In this scenario, Tom yet again stonewalls her, emotionally invalidates her and rudely redirects the conversation, unwilling to address the issues at hand even as they continue to build beneath the surface. This causes more distress to Mary and unnecessary tension and trauma. Had he actually taken the time to address her concerns, however, the outcome could’ve been far more productive and peaceful.

Stonewalling and The Silent Treatment

Usually, stonewalling and the silent treatment go hand in hand. After the victim has been stonewalled, the other person is treated to a form of silence that is deafening. Yet the silent treatment can also occur without warning or stonewalling as well.

In an abusive relationship with a narcissist, the silent treatment and stonewalling are manipulative tactics embedded within the abuse cycle. In the beginning of the cycle, the narcissist may love-bomb their victim and idealize them, giving them excessive amounts of attention to win them over.

In the devaluation phase of the relationship, the tables are turned and the victim is provoked into trying to “win over” the narcissist. The toxic partner abruptly withdraws from their victim, unwilling to respond for a period of time with little to no explanation whatsoever. This silent treatment causes their partner excessive anxiety, fear and a persistent sense of self-doubt. The narcissist thrives off of the power and control they feel as they continue to pull the strings of the victim like a master puppeteer.

In the context of an abusive relationship, both techniques are deliberately used as control tactics – ways to intimidate, belittle and demean the victim into feeling insignificant. When a narcissist gives you the silent treatment, it’s a way to devalue you and make you feel invisible. It provokes you into reacting so that you are prone to doing whatever you can to gain back their attention and approval.

“In relationships, stonewalling is the emotional equivalent to cutting off someone’s oxygen.  The emotional detachment inherent to stonewalling is a form of abandonment and the effect that it has on a spouse is dramatic.

The initial feelings of terror – which are usually below the water line of awareness – are typically followed by secondary feelings of anger and, then, aggressive efforts to get some emotional reaction – any emotional reaction – even a negative one.  And when these efforts fail, the internal response for your spouse is predictable.  He doesn’t care.  He doesn’t love me.  He’s left me.” – Jeffrey J. Pipe, Psy.D, Stonewalling vs. Empathy

Although stonewalling appears to place an end to communication, it actually speaks volumes and communicates something quite cruel to the person on the receiving end. Regardless of the intention of the person doing the stonewalling, this behavior communicates to their partner the following: “You’re not worth responding to. Your thoughts and feelings don’t matter to me. You don’t matter to me.”

The Psychological Effects of Stonewalling and The Silent Treatment

The silent treatment and stonewalling can have actual effects on the brain. Research indicates that such behaviors are a form of ostracism which activates the anterior cingulate cortex, the same part of the brain that detects physical pain.

Being ignored can leave someone feeling injured – literally. These effects can linger powerfully for the victim, causing fresh abandonment wounds and reinforcing old ones. 

“Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realize the emotional or physical harm that is being done.” – Dr. Kipling Williams, Purdue University

While stonewalling can happen occasionally even in healthy relationships as a defense mechanism or coping method for conflict, it has harmful implications when it is used chronically as an abuse tactic by a toxic partner, such as a narcissist, a sociopath or a psychopath.

Occasionally in a relationship, someone might want a “break” from communicating to cool off. When that happens, both partners communicate that this is what they need. They do so in a manner that is both respectful and considerate.

Stonewalling by a narcissistic partner, however, is different. It is callous, cold and charged with manipulative intent. Toxic partners like these use stonewalling as a way to further their abuse and to cause their victims intense emotional pain. Normal, healthy partners might stonewall as a way to get out of conflict, but toxic and manipulative partners do so as a way to one-up their victims and provoke them into losing emotional control.

So long as the victim is driven to “win back” the toxic person, the stonewaller is able to continue to ignore the victim’s needs while the victim doubles their efforts to please them.

What To Do If You’re Being Stonewalled

If you’re being stonewalled in an abusive relationship and have tried to communicate your feelings to no avail, realize that the problem is not you. If this is a chronic problem, step away from the self-blame and stop walking on eggshells in an attempt to please a partner who refuses to be pleased. A toxic person’s communication patterns cannot be changed unless that person is willing to change them.

While stonewalling can be improved in the context of healthier relationships where both partners are willing to work on dysfunctional patterns, in an unhealthy relationship with a pathological partner, self-care is paramount. You have to learn when it is time to walk away and detach from this person. Otherwise, you’re just feeding into their sick mind games.

When a narcissist stonewalls you or subjects you to the silent treatment, they want you to respond. They want you to chase after them and “beg” for their attention. They want to provoke you. They want to control and diminish you.

Rather than continuing to try to win back their attention or approval, reevaluate whether this relationship is one worth fighting for at all. If someone is giving you the silent treatment, use it as a period of “freedom” to reassess how you can better care for yourself and get the support you need to move forward from their toxicity.

A person who truly cares for you would make an effort to meet your needs, not neglect them. You deserve to be seen, not silenced. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship where your needs are acknowledged and your voice is heard.

Do I want to be married because I want a wedding and the social status that comes with being married or because I want a marriage with a partner who is truly compatible with me?

Women are taught to idealize the day they get married rather than think strategically about who they marry and what marriage itself will realistically look like. Yet some longitudinal research shows that the benefits of marriage may differ for women and men. Certain mental health and physical health factors stabilize or decline for both men and women after transitioning into marriage, with women showing a sharper decline. While men tend to experience an increase in life satisfaction after getting married, women tend to experience greater psychological distress and a sharper decrease in life satisfaction transitioning into and after getting married; men also tend to reap more health benefits overall. A review of the research literature by Harvard-trained psychologist Dr. Bella DePaulo showed that for both men and women, getting married only results in a slight increase in life satisfaction after the wedding, then continues to decline; this was shown in a meta-analytic review by Luhmann and colleagues (2012) as well as a 16-year longitudinal study of 11,429 adults by Kalmijn (2017) which captured this “honeymoon effect.” Luhmann and colleagues analyzed studies totaling 65,911 people and discovered that life satisfaction decreased over the following months after marriage. Kalmijn also noted this honeymoon effect in their study of 11,429 adults which showed an increase in depressive feelings and a decrease in life satisfaction as the marriage continues, with a surprisingly negative effect on health. In addition, their study revealed that women tended to experience a less negative effect from divorce on their life satisfaction than men did, suggesting that women may fare better in their well-being when they do exit the marriage. Another longitudinal study of 12,373 adults did not find that married people became healthier after becoming married unless they were in very long marriages surpassing ten years (Tumin, 2017). In summary, marriage likely won’t save you or your relationship if you aren’t already happy and healthy to begin with.

Unless you’re a man who tends to benefit from the additional domestic and emotional labor that wives are traditionally expected to take on, marriage isn’t going to drastically improve your life – in fact, depending on the partner you choose, it may actually add to your stress levels and burdens. You must ask yourself: is the person I am considering a potential lifelong partner someone who shares my core values, is genuinely attentive and generous, and emotionally stable – someone who has proven through their behavior and long-term actions that they are committed to me? Is this a partner who has good character, empathy and respect for me and others? Would they still be a good co-parent and respectful ex-partner even if we got divorced? Unless you are with a high-quality man who intends to take on more of the domestic responsibilities or be a provider, the benefits of marriage to men and women remain unequal. This may be one of the reasons why single and childfree women tend to be one of the happiest, wealthiest and healthiest subgroups in society and can even experience greater psychological growth according to research. You should know that you are not missing out on money, health, or happiness if you choose to take a different route. Social factors matter, too. If you are evaluating your life satisfaction based on the fact that you are praised by society for being married, you may overestimate your life satisfaction while not taking into account the satisfaction of your relationship or the true nature of your partner. Some women may find that when answering this question, they realize that they’re more into the idea of an engagement, the wedding day, and the social status of having a committed relationship rather than marriage itself.

Do I want to be married because I truly intend to choose a high-quality partner for life, or because I require validation from friends and family that I am now a “true” adult and will get married no matter what, even if it means I am settling for less?

Piggybacking off this last question, people may rush into marriage because they feel pressured to complete a traditional milestone they associate with adulthood and feeling “chosen,” even if it means being chosen by a toxic partner who will end up depleting you of your health, energy, and resources. They want to feel validated by their friends and family (especially if they were raised in a culture that emphasizes marriage and children) that they’re not missing out and lagging behind in some way. But being an adult has little to do with your relationship status or childrearing status. You are also an “adult” when you pursue your dreams, build a thriving career, graduate from school, create meaningful friendships, go to therapy, buy a house or apartment, learn to break your unhealthy and destructive patterns, and change the world. There are many ways to grow in life besides getting married and having children. In fact, some may feel their life got more stagnant once they were overwhelmed by the additional responsibilities of marriage and parenthood. Write down what you think marriage and parenthood will allow you to do that you feel you cannot achieve in other ways. Then, next to this list, write down other alternative ways you can fulfill those same needs or what you deem to be the “costs” of parenting and marriage (e.g. a supportive network of friends can be more nourishing than a toxic partner; I will sacrifice half of my life to raising my children because kids will be my priority and I will have to devote enormous amounts of time and energy to them) as well as what you can do more freely if you choose not to get married or have children (e.g. I can travel the world with more freedom; I can focus on my education and career with more ease). You’ll likely discover that while marriage and parenthood provide unique experiences, they are hardly the only ways to be fulfilled, and there are also many benefits to staying single or childfree. This is a great way to consider all your options before you decide.

Do I want to have children because I genuinely want to be a parent no matter how difficult it is? Or because it is expected of me and because I want to live through my children who I believe are responsible for “fulfilling” me and taking care of me?

People who are on the fence about parenthood may think they’re just “underestimating” how rewarding it will be and overreacting about the potential hardships. In fact, it’s the opposite. Many people feel unprepared for all the responsibilities of parenthood and do not realize everything they are sacrificing until it’s too late because of societal pressures. It’s a myth that parents never regret parenthood; they may genuinely love and cherish their children and find aspects of their lives very rewarding, but still acknowledge that it was far harder than they expected and grieve for the life they had before. For example, there are nearly 90,000 people on the subreddit known as “Regretful Parents,” who candidly share their true perspectives and difficulties in their parenting experiences: and these are just the English-speaking people who are willing to admit it. You may find parenthood rewarding and be fully prepared for the difficulties that are ahead: just ensure you know the true motives for why you want to be a mother or father. It’s wise not to expect to live through your children vicariously. Children are not objects to be raised with the narcissistic idea that they will fulfill or take care of you; the best parents know how to cultivate a child’s autonomy and individuality.  Carrying on your legacy shouldn’t be the only reason you bring a child into this world and you should take the steps to ensure your child doesn’t grow up with toxic conditioning or hostile, chaotic environments that will only carry on generational trauma. You should also be financially and emotionally prepared for childrearing and be able to give your children a loving home (this includes not marrying an abuser).

Am I prepared for the worst when it comes to both marriage and children?

When we think about marriage and children, we are conditioned to think about only the perceived rewards and never the potential costs – or how these costs can be different for men and women. Think of the old adage of a true marriage implying that you will be with one another “through sickness and health.” Unfortunately, this wedding vow doesn’t translate as well in real-life contexts for women as it does for men. Studies show that while women tend to stay by the side of their husbands during illness to help them pull through, men tend to abandon women during life-threatening health issues. Some women get cheated on during or shortly after pregnancy after devoting months of their life and risking their health in bearing a child or after years of being a stay-at-home mom who devotes her whole life to raising her children and being a “good wife.” The number one risk to pregnant women in the United States according to research is being murdered by their partners – moreso than  the three leading obstetric causes such as high blood pressure disorders, hemorrhage, or sepsis. You cannot truly know whether the person you marry will turn out to be a narcissistic abuser and serial cheater who puts your life and well-being at risk or whether the children you have will present with health issues that you will assist with through your entire life. You have to be prepared for anything when it comes to these life decisions. If you think the potential rewards outweigh the potential costs, have prepared yourself for both the rewards and pitfalls of parenthood and believe you’ve found a high-quality partner, marriage and parenthood may be fulfilling for you personally. However, if you feel you are rushing into these decisions because of your social conditioning rather than your authentic desires and values, it may be time to slow down and reevaluate.

A caveat: there is obviously a difference between using sarcasm as a “spice” to your jokes occasionally, and a whole other affair to use sarcasm to persistently demean, bully and manipulate the people around you. There may be nothing wrong with making an innocent sarcastic comment here or there that other people laugh at and mutually enjoy. But if no one’s joining in on your “fun” and people around you are begging you to be kinder and less patronizing, chances are you’re engaging in red-flag behavior.  

Psychopaths can engage in sarcasm for harmful reasons. According to Dr. Robert Hare’s psychopathy checklist, psychopaths are prone to boredom and need constant stimulation. To obtain that stimulation, they may engage in reckless behaviors and manufacture chaos on purpose. Neuroscience studies indicate they may even find witnessing or causing the pain of others rewarding. Their sarcastic jabs at others can be tailored to create that chaos and gain that sense of reward. They might also find it easier to use sarcasm to communicate their contempt for a victim and take them down a peg or two, especially if that victim challenges their sense of entitlement or arouses their malicious envy. We also know from research that relationships with narcissistic and psychopathic partners can cause PTSD. Sarcasm can certainly be weaponized as one of the manipulation tools in a larger pattern of the emotional and psychological abuse that makes relationships with these pathological types so exhausting and traumatizing.

I asked people who had been in relationships with psychopathic partners to describe their experiences with how their partners used sarcasm in the relationship. Here’s what they had to say and the patterns that emerged about the way sarcasm was used in this relationship to manipulate them: 

Sarcasm can be used to gaslight and can escalate during the relationship. 

“Sarcasm was always there, but it definitely escalated during later phases of the relationship. Sarcasm was often used as a subtle way to minimize my feelings or put me down. If I challenged the sarcastic remarks in any way, then I was told that I needed to lighten up and learn to take a joke. This behavior, over time, slowly made me question my own perception, ignore my own feelings, and I even began to believe what he told me (like I can’t take a joke, for example). It turns out, I actually love joking around. I just don’t like manipulation wearing the cowardly disguise of sarcasm or jokes. There is a big difference. Jokes shouldn’t make you feel bad.”  —Erin

Sarcasm can be used with plausible deniability to make you doubt yourself.

“Sarcasm and humor are weaponized by them in a multifaceted way. Plausible deniability is one way. They can say or do something awful, but if it’s a joke, you’ll never prove their true intentions. It’s helpful in getting you to doubt yourself, making you feel like a prude or uptight person, someone who’s insecure, not fun, too much trauma in your bag. With anything from sexual demands, flirting with other people, triangulating you, they will almost always use a cruel and mocking form of sarcasm to respond to any of your pleas for decency, clarity, kindness or understanding. Then they get that secondary supply from another target which is when you finally just break down and cry and beg for mercy and want to end yourself. At that point they will look at you and tell you that you are to blame for all escalations, that your emotions are purely from some other previous experience. You’ll wind up feeling you need help, you can’t just take a joke, you can’t just let your partner verbally destroy you and let it pass… they’ll tell you those things are “normal” and you need too much special care.”—Bonnie 

“Sarcasm was used widely and often as a means to gaslight, groom and destabilize. Sarcasm works well with plausible deniability. True story: the malignant narcissist literally sent me a can of cow dung for Valentine’s, as he lives in a farm with no shortage of animal dung. I complain about nature of this ‘gift’. He then counters with, “Jeez, where is your sense of humor?” So this sarcastic gesture is a dual weapon: it upsets victim then is used to further victimize when the victim objects. Sarcasm will also be freely used when delivering praise, so the praise is rendered meaningless. Sarcasm is definitely a useful tool with the capacity of a swiss knife.” —One 

Sarcasm can be used to depict you unfavorably while boosting the psychopath’s sense of superiority or self-image.

“I think if they start to act sarcastically early, they don’t have to understand you, which conveniently serves their self-image. They can just snapshot you and fit you into a stereotype. If you can’t prove otherwise and get frustrated after a while, that just serves to prove their point. So, they start on the sarcasm as early as possible – even in the first day – to protect themselves from reality. It is often not noticeable at that stage, or even if you notice, you can’t respond or get gaslighted when you do. You are not given a chance to explain your whole, nuanced opinion. After they reach you and trigger you, you are marked as the unreasonable person. It gets worse after they gain leverage (by isolating you socially by punishing your social interactions, getting to know you). It makes a person doubt other people and be on edge all the time even after relationship ends which is very damaging.” —Ozan

Sarcasm can also be weaponized to escape accountability and to bully and insult you.

“Sarcasm was one tactic used when feeling trapped or caught out, when the guilt of his own actions becomes insurmountable. It took some time before he was bold or drunk enough to verbalize these thoughts to me. It was absolutely used to bully and manipulate, in order to reinforce a smokescreen between reality and himself, in order to unsee that he is becoming his tormentors and his own tormentor.  It used to confuse me and send me into a spiral of self-doubt and fear of existential harm.” —Rach 

“My ex had a genius level IQ and was quite proud of his sarcastic abilities. When I would explain to him how hurtful it was, I was the problem because I was too sensitive. He was just exercising his ‘wit.’ It started after we were married and got increasingly worse and was used to control me and put me in my place while he still looked good. The word sarcasm comes from a Greek word which means tearing of the flesh. It is abuse I learned. I understand that, even today it’s used as a communication style on some dating sites. I stay away from anyone who uses it today.” —Marianne  

“When my children were toddlers and learning how to speak, they would ask daddy questions and he would answer them with sarcasm. They would just look at him, confused. It caused them to be upset and anxious. It was horrible.” —Theresa  

“He was so sarcastic that I couldn’t tell what he was serious about and what was just having an imagination. They use sarcasm as an excuse to be completely transparent with you.” —Kimberely 

“Sarcasm was used daily, whether it was a get out of a normal general question they didn’t want to answer, or it was used as a put down to me, usually in front of others. Others were horrified but I just laughed it off for years…but that’s what we do isn’t it? We spend years trying to help fix them. It affected me quite a lot, but I never showed it, it took a long time to break free and even longer to get some of the words and sentences and even tone of voice used out of my head.” —Laura 

“I feel sarcasm was used to manipulate and control me when I confronted him about issues and deal breakers. He would use sarcasm to belittle and shame me and keep me from confronting him.” —MB  

“The father of my four children made sarcastic jokes to insult me. After I’d left him, and while he was still sexually abusing me at my mom’s house, he tested this joke out on me and posted it to Twitter: “I met a girl who doesn’t have a nose ring. Very exotic.” I do have a nose ring, so he was making fun of me publicly and letting me know that he was seeing someone else while still having non-consensual sex with me. He enjoyed finding indirect ways to upset me.” —Joy

“Sarcasm can be used as part of gaslighting where it seems like a compliment, but it also minimizes an accomplishment or quality. This can take on characteristics of gaslighting and negging as well because the sarcasm is not intended to be obvious but to plant seeds of doubt in the person’s self-esteem.”—Amy 

“My ex used sarcasm but with deadpan delivery so you could be the fool, or butt of the joke if you didn’t understand. At first not at all and then all day to make fun of me or provoke me to react. Little digs making a toxic environment and keeping me on edge. Highlighting my insecurities and ramping them up. Interspersed with a compliment here and there to keep me from leaving.” –RC 

“They would say, “So I guess you’re perfect.” This was blameshifting sarcasm when there is irrefutable evidence that they are in the wrong. Instead of addressing the problem and apologizing, they use sarcasm to try to put the person who called them out on the defensive.” —Angela  

“My ex used sarcasm as a gaslighting tactic. Things like “Oh yeah, sure it happened that way” and similar phrases whenever I tried to remind him how something really happened. He was trying to gaslight me into believing that my experience of the situation was wrong. I absolutely believe that it was a belittling tactic and it made me feel completely dismissed and disrespected. And of course, whenever I dared to be sarcastic while speaking to him, I was punished with violent outbursts because how dare I give him a taste of his own medicine?” —Sofia  

“They would say things like, “Oh yeah, like you even care.”  When obviously I know that I do and did. I know my own feelings and emotions.  Or they would say, “No, that wasn’t a real insult, it was sarcasm, can’t you take a joke?”  No, because jokes should make people laugh, not hurt.  Or things like “Sure, you’ll do that, just like you did x.” They would gaslight me and reference something that they claimed never happened was done but in fact WAS done or did happen, just not to their perfect standards – so to them it didn’t count.” —Tres  

“Sarcasm was used to degrade/belittle me. For example, he would say things like, ‘Some people collect antics, some collect pushchairs’ or ‘You didn’t even know your vagina had a hole.’ Soon after an argument where he was verbally very nasty and abusive, he would make a silly, unexpected joke that made me slightly laugh then say, “At least I can still make you laugh.” I saw sarcasm was widely used in his family too  as a way to belittle each other’s gift choices/way of being and seemed to an acceptable way of demeaning each other. As long as it was communicated indirectly it was accepted (rather than having an honest conversation or setting a boundary with each other). He asked me what meal I wanted for my birthday as he would cook it, when I said what I wanted, his comment was: ‘Really, you must be joking, is that simple thing you want to eat for a birthday meal, come on.’ He expressed this to his young nephew, too when he learned that his nephew wanted a special garlic bread for birthday meal.” —Lydia 

“Sarcasm is used specifically to gaslight you, make you feel crazy, and let them get away with whatever horrible sarcastic comment they made to purposely hurt you, then avoid accountability by saying “It was a joke. You can’t take a joke.” They  blame you in the end. I’ll add that this doesn’t relate to only partners as I’ve seen “friends” do this too. There is never a willingness to understand another person’s feelings or validate them in any way.” —Henrietta 

“Sarcasm was always used as a manipulation and gaslighting tactic in order to get me to doubt or to invalidate my feelings. It was a passive aggressive way to attack me and let me know that they were somehow bothered by me.” —DJ Empress 

“He would say things like, ‘Well…I’m sure even you wouldn’t want to live in a house with blinds that were so uneven in the windows.’ This was said in an uber-sarcastic tone for the millionth time, as a way to try to manipulate me to make the mini-blinds even, which was really an attempt to de-stabilize and gaslight me so he could have more control. It’s the small controlling comments like this and the way he wanted the doorknobs closed so they wouldn’t make a sound…these were the entry-levels of his attempts to control me. These entry-level digs allowed me to become both confused, gaslit and numb as the abuse escalated. Sarcasm is mean-spirited at best, abusive in the hands of a narcissist.” —Rae 

“Not a romance, but a friendship. Sarcasm used to knock me down a peg under the guise of teasing. Also used in extended “bits” to poke at vulnerable areas like family or work dynamics. Every chance she had.” —Tiana  

“Sarcasm was used infrequently enough in front of friends for the purpose of making me look insecure. I remember privately telling the narcissist about how I was bullied in grade school because of my teeth. The narcissist brought this up at a lunch date with friends and everyone started laughing. I gave her a look and she started saying, “Well you were the one who brought it up. I thought that meant you could laugh about it now. Come on, chill I was just teasing.” I guess this was a form of dog-whistling too. I would just get quiet after this, and the sarcasm would continue like “Why are you quiet?” Knowing damn well why I was quiet and just wanted to be left alone. This happened almost every time we went out with friends.” —Heyoka 

“There were public sarcastic digs about a year or two in. To the point where even his mother said something to him to defend me (even when I did not)! She is my hero—it woke me up.” —Lisa 

Psychopaths can use sarcasm to threaten others.

“I was impacted by a psychopath that used psychosexual abuse, exploitation, psychological warfare, and likely war of attrition. They would use sarcasm through looks, cruelly forcing me to survive, threats to my life, terrorizing me and making scary faces, threats to animals and neighbors and community. They would use sarcasm when they threatened to stab me in my uterus or terrorize me with weapons around the home. I also experienced coercion and manipulation and behavior modification in what I wore, how I looked, and even what I ate. My psychopath literally got off on terrorizing me and his eyes would turn black. My psychopath would terrorize me along with his family that I was experiencing Stockholm syndrome. He terrorized me by saying that I poisoned him when I had already questioned if he had poisoned me and I believe he did.” —Frankie 

Sarcasm can be used for mockery and belittling.

“He would make fun of my voice, imitating me in that stereotypical valley girl, dumb kind of way. Then tell me I am smart when I say I don’t like it. He would speak to me really slowly, in a deadly calm, angry tone, to indicate I was just so stupid and to imply I just wasn’t getting it. When I asked for respect in the way he spoke to me, he would respond, “You act like an entitled princess. when you start acting like a queen, I’ll treat you like one.” —Danielle  

“If I said I was praying for someone or about a situation, he would say, in a mocking, sing-song way. ‘Go talk to your invisible sky daddy.’ This was when he touted himself as an atheist on social media. He was always pretending to be something…a Buddhist, atheist, Ram Dass follower, pagan, Satanic enthusiast, Guru…whatever he felt would give him the most attention/supply. He ALWAYS espoused to be the authority on any spiritual belief.” —Gail  

“Mine used to call me with a despising tone, ‘Mother Teresa.’ In his mouth it was sarcasm. At the time I had no idea why. Now I know he was jealous of the person I am. I am totally opposite to what he is, even though that is what attracted him in the first place. Those words were meant to make me feel ashamed of being a nice and loving person without a second thought or personal interest in using people. For him, being nice to someone is only a means to abuse that someone.” —Catherine 

“Constantly cutting me down and abusive boiling rage. Just hearing “Oh yeah, well…” In that inflection was violence.” —Rebecca  

“I was love bombed by one after my divorce and I fell for all the BS. He used sarcasm to demean my interests, my tattoos, my dogs, my friends on social media. It was negging and done with a ‘I am just joking’ attitude.” —Dani S.  

“After the love bombing phase, I was told that I was literal all the time and they (2 men from two different relationships) used sarcasm to make fun of something I meant, or to make fun of an earnest response to something they meant as rhetorical. It made me feel stupid for a number of reasons and they felt superior. I felt stupid for taking something that they said seriously and trying to answer with investment if what I had brought up was treated sarcastically and I didn’t pick up on the sarcasm. I was made to feel stupid if I had to ask if they were being sarcastic about other things because I couldn’t pick up on tone. I’ve never had this issue before with friends, just these two men I dated.” —Jenn 

A Reminder About Sarcasm In Toxic Relationships

If you are in a relationship with a psychopath or a malignant narcissist, you are not alone, and help is out there. Remember that healthy partners are not condescending or belittling. You deserve to be respected in your relationships. You may want to process your traumaswith a mental health professionaland seek support. You deserve healing and freedom.

Narcissists and otherwise toxic people prioritize themselves. They don’t tolerate people who don’t benefit them.

When was the last time you put yourself first? Narcissists do it all the time. It’s all about their needs, their desires, and what they feel they deserve. Without being as selfish and self-absorbed as the narcissist, there are healthy ways to prioritize yourself too. You are just as important and worthy as anyone else. You are just as deserving of good things – in many cases, you are even more deserving of positive experiences than manipulators who use immoral means and harm others to achieve their agendas. You are the only person who can take care of you. If you’ve spent most of your life being selfless and engaging in a great deal of emotional labor for others, it may just be time to visit the other end of the spectrum. Think about ways you can celebrate and pamper yourself. Evaluate your current friendships and relationships and consider both the benefits as well as the costs. Are there relationships that are draining you more than they are adding value to your life? While you may not view relationships as transactionally like the narcissist does, you are encouraged to cut ties with toxic people who exploit you and build stronger connections with those who cheer you on and celebrate your strengths. You deserve respect and reciprocity in your relationships. Revisit the areas of your life where you feel neglected by others and give yourself extra nourishment and attention in these areas. Start to reserve some of your emotional energy for yourself and cut down on the labor you’re always performing for others. Instead, think about engaging in actions that benefit you and improve the quality of your life, self-esteem, and self-care.

They don’t wait for you to change or expect you to. In fact, they tend to pigeonhole you unfairly and act accordingly.

Narcissists don’t doubt themselves – they’re all about investing in their distorted reality which means emphasizing their distorted perception of you. They don’t hesitate to devalue you based on these inaccurate distortions and box you into labels that they use to justify mistreating you and to evade accountability for their actions and project their own shortcomings onto innocent people. They punish you based on these distortions and don’t expect you to “change” (not that you actually have anything you need to change – these are the narcissist’s malignant projections at work).  Yet survivors often rationalize the legitimately cruel and callous behaviors of the narcissist and attempt to find a valid reason behind the narcissist’s abhorrent behaviors. Instead of rationalizing, minimizing, or being overly forgiving toward these behaviors, why not label the narcissist accurately, who unlike you, actually has engaged in harmful behaviors and stop waiting for them to change? Unlike the narcissist, your ability to discern their destructive patterns won’t be part of a distorted perception: it speaks to your ability to acknowledge reality without excusing it.

They take pride in what they’ve achieved and aren’t afraid to showcase these achievements.

Whether or not they’ve truly earned their accomplishments, narcissists are the first ones to think of themselves as superior for anything they’ve accomplished, real or imagined. You don’t have to be haughty, delusional, or condescending like them: just notice whether you tend to minimize yourself or hide your light because you’ve been taught to shrink by pathologically envious toxic people. Realize that you are allowed to have healthy pride and speak matter-of-factly about your true strengths and achievements. Unlike the narcissist, you won’t be diminishing anyone else, nor will you try to put anyone else down. You will simply be existing in your positive qualities and traits with authentic confidence and joy.

They explore their options.

Narcissists and otherwise toxic people explore their options in ways that are deceitful, unwarranted, and deliberately staged to provoke jealousy in others. However, while you won’t be taking any pages out of their toxic playbook, you can still learn from this willingness to explore other options to detach from them. Don’t restrict yourself to seeing the narcissist as your one and only option, or the end-all, be-all of your life. There are many empathic, wonderful people in this world who would add value to your life rather than detract from it. There are also many social, financial, educational, and career opportunities that will allow you to flourish outside of a relationship. Being in a toxic relationship with this pathological personality type can feel quite isolating: you may feel like you are alone and that they are the only “savior” you can turn to because they’ve trained you to seek their comfort after abuse. Don’t be afraid to explore the world outside of the narcissist. Build strong social networks, travel, pursue your dreams and always level up.

They fiercely protect and implement their so-called “boundaries.”

A narcissist’s idea of “boundaries” is a skewed one and is implemented quite unfairly and unjustly: usually their so-called “boundaries” have to do with silencing the victims of their abuse, evading accountability, and trespassing the boundaries of others while seeking to only impose their own desires onto others. These are not boundaries but an excuse for more entitlement, control, and power. You are capable of enforcing boundaries that are genuinely healthy and warranted with just as much ferocity. The narcissist uses their so-called toxic idea of “boundaries” to fiercely protect themselves from accountability: it’s time for you to use healthy boundaries to fiercely protect yourself from people like them. Do not allow anyone to demean you or verbally and psychologically assault you without consequences. Whether it’s leaving the narcissist or issuing legal ramifications, you must protect and defend yourself against toxic people.

They defend themselves to the max and are focused on “winning.”

Narcissists defend themselves furiously when held accountable even though they were the ones in the wrong. This is known as narcissistic rage in response to perceived slights or warranted criticism. Yet survivors of narcissistic and psychopathic partners often find themselves scrambling to apologize to the narcissist and walking on eggshells after they’ve been the ones who were gaslit, mistreated, and taunted. It’s time to defend yourself, your pride, and your rights just as ferociously – by establishing healthy boundaries and enforcing them. Create an unshakeable self-concept that does not allow  toxic people like narcissists to degrade you without consequences. Unlike the narcissist who acts out on their aggression to bully and silence others,  you do deserve to defend yourself and walk away from these toxic interactions for good. You deserve healthy relationships and a happy life. Don’t allow narcissists to “win” in the long run. You deserve to be the winner of your life. You can become victorious by setting healthier boundaries, breaking the trauma bond with the narcissist, and living an even more successful life after you leave them.

Over-explaining yourself constantly.

Victims who are trauma bonded to narcissistic individuals have often been chronically gaslit into believing their emotions and perception of reality are inaccurate. As a result, they’ve been trained to question themselves and overexplain their perspective, often when it’s not necessary. Whether it’s overexplaining yourself to the narcissist in an attempt to convince them the legitimacy of your feelings or finding yourself overexplaining yourself to your loved ones and friends because you’ve developed a habit of having to defend yourself, this behavior is deeply rooted in the trauma bond you’ve developed to the narcissist. It keeps you in the vicious cycle of defending your basic rights and boundaries rather than embodying them and taking proactive action.

Fawning.

Fawning is a trauma response where you respond by appeasing a predator or complying with their demands to avoid danger and mitigate threat. A hostage may try to fawn and be kind to their captor so they can try to stay alive, or a victim of domestic violence may walk on eggshells around their abuser lest they face punishment and retaliation for speaking up or standing up for themselves. Trauma bonded survivors tend to fawn and people-please both within the toxic relationship as well as outside of it because they start to fear taking up space. They’ve been destructively conditioned over time to associate being assertive with being punished, threatened, shamed, humiliated, mocked, or aggressively attacked by the narcissist. As a result, they begin “shrinking” in many aspects of their lives in an attempt to avoid potential consequences.

Rationalization and minimization of mistreatment.

Surviving a toxic relationship, let alone exiting one, is no small feat, but even survival on its own takes many internal resources. When a victim is in a perpetual state of cognitive dissonance about who the abuser really is due to their Jekyll and Hyde behavior, they have a tendency to minimize and rationalize the brutality they’re experiencing so they can cope with it and survive the psychological or even physical abuse. Unfortunately, this coping method can place them in even more danger, which makes professional support necessary and vital to evaluate the risk of escalation.

Defense and protection of the abuser.

Outsiders often ask why the victim did not leave the toxic relationship right away, or why they choose to defend their abusers or even go so far as to protect them. This is a common reaction loved ones and law enforcement may have when a victim refuses to press charges against an abuser or when they omit the true extent of the mistreatment they’re experiencing. Yet this too, has to do with the numerous coping mechanisms that a trauma bonded survivor’s brain engages in to protect themselves and maintain the relationship out of fear of abandonment and the need for survival.

Learned helplessness.

When a survivor has been love bombed profusely with excessive affection and attention only to face abrupt withdrawal and callous intermittent mistreatment, the unpredictability of such a toxic relationship can leave a victim feeling both addicted to the dangerous dynamic as well as helpless. This sense of learned helplessness can seep into other aspects of their life as they feel a loss of control and agency as they experience the emotional whiplash of the tumultuous relationship – one minute savoring the euphoria of the highest of highs only to feel drowned and downtrodden in the lowest of lows. The cycle seems inescapable because the victim feels like they are in love, but such a cycle is is more akin to a drug addiction. The narcissistic abuser may also literally try to exert control over the victim’s life, attempting to nitpick them constantly or micromanage their finances, friendships, career, to further keep them under their watchful gaze.

If you are in a toxic trauma bond with a narcissist, you are not alone and you deserve support. Seeking a trauma-informed professional well-versed in manipulation tactics can help. You deserve to reclaim your power.

Being deliberately vague in their responses to your direct questions to avoid accountability.

This is a tactic narcissists use when they want to avoid being held responsible for their actions or want to engage in gaslighting. For example, you may notice your purse going missing frequently and ask the narcissist, “Did you move my purse?” and they will answer as if they did not even hear the original question. They may say something like, “Purses are easy to lose, aren’t they? Things are always moved around here,” taking themselves out of the equation completely. They won’t address if they specifically moved the purse, or where your purse may be, preferring instead to make vague, unsatisfying statements in response to your inquiries. You may question why they came home so late last night, and they could respond with, “I am always out and about. Time gets away!” or, “It is not that late.” If you persist in questioning them, they may start to gaslight you by saying you’re interrogating them, call you insecure, or continue insisting on issuing these vague statements to escape accountability.

Deliberately misrepresenting your perspective to the point of absurdity.

If you come to the narcissist with a valid concern or express your emotions to them, they may reply by distorting your perspective so that it no longer even represents your authentic viewpoint. The conversation then moves in circles and never culminates in a resolution. For example, if you tell them, “I think the way you’ve been speaking to me lately has been cruel,” they could respond, “Oh so now I am evil?” putting words in your mouth you never said. Or you may tell them, “I am not comfortable with you going on vacation with your ex,” and they might lash out, saying, “So now I can’t even have friends?” This allows them to circumvent the conversation you’re trying to have with them and stonewall you so you’re unable to get your needs met in the relationship.

Telling an outright lie to paint you as the perpetrator.

This type of crazymaking is common in smear campaigns against the victim. The perpetrator will play the victim while telling lies about how the victim was the one abusing them, all while projecting their own actions and misdeeds. They might tell friends and family members that you were the one cheating on them, when in reality, they were the one betraying you. Or they may accuse you of a preposterous action you’ve never engaged in to paint you as the villain, especially if they are envious of you, just to instigate a crazymaking argument (i.e. they come home one day and accuse you of flirting with their brother).

These types of baseless accusations are also common on social media. For example, a jealous narcissistic woman might lash out in envy at an attractive, successful woman posting her day-to-day life by commenting with a false accusation. They might try to falsely claim that woman has a sugar daddy (in an attempt to minimize her authentic achievements), or lie and say that this woman had surgery to get her features enhanced (especially if they are jealous of her natural beauty). They may go as far as to stalk and harass this woman or place her in harm’s way by pretending she did or said something abhorrent that she didn’t. These are all envious, crazymaking attempts to degrade someone the narcissist is jealous of and gain public support in doing so. It has the effect of deflating the victim in times of celebration or joy.

Issuing ultimatums, veiled threats, and potential punishment at any perceived slight or reacting to any constructive criticism as an attack.

Ultimatums and veiled threats tend to be remarkably effective forms of crazymaking because the narcissist is able to coerce the victim into doing what they want, urging submission without necessarily being seen as a tyrant. In reality, the narcissist doesn’t actually want to break up with you or for you to break up with them when issuing these ultimatums – they just want to orchestrate a break-up to tap into your fear of abandonment. For example, if you let a narcissist know that you do not accept infidelity in a relationship especially if the two of you decided to enter a committed relationship, the narcissist may respond with, “It seems we’ve met an impasse here. I need my partner to be accepting of my sexual desires. Are you okay with me seeing other people? If not, we probably shouldn’t be in a relationship.”

This is a bizarre form of gaslighting and crazymaking because not only did the narcissist enthusiastically ask to enter a committed relationship with you, likely love bombing you into believing they would give you the world, they now expect you to either accept their absurd terms or exit the relationship. While the latter choice is obviously the best option in this specific scenario, the fact that they’ve given such an ultimatum and veiled threat at all instead of taking time to address your concerns or validate how they’re falling short of the expectations they themselves established early on is utterly confusing and disorienting for the victim, and often works to make the victim work harder for their approval.

Complying with your requests, while also taking something away from you to ensure you don’t “win.”

If the narcissist is still invested in the relationship but doesn’t want you to leave or wants to punish you for daring to defy them at all, they’ll employ other subtle torture tactics to keep you trauma bonded to them. For example, they may seem to cater to you at first by being more attentive to you emotionally as you requested. But you’ll notice them withdrawing in other aspects – perhaps they suddenly seem sexually dismissive, or neglect to call you when they usually would. That’s because even when a narcissist is seemingly trying to make you happy, they still feel the need to rebel to show who’s really in control. That is why they will often try to take something away from you so you are still punished for daring to ask anything of them. This eventually trains you to not expect or ask anything of them at all.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s important to seek professional support. You deserve more than a toxic relationship that harms you.

Survivors of narcissistic abuse usually encounter a heavy period of detoxing from the addictive toxicity of the relationship in the early stages of healing. They may relapse into wanting to reach out to their former partner because they are trauma bonded to them through the intense experiences of abuse. Once they’ve remained No Contact for a suitable period of time, however, these cravings begin to subside and survivors start to get in touch with the reality of the abuse they went through. They reach an unsettling amount of indifference towards the narcissist that is both unfamiliar yet exciting. This new indifference and neutrality are signs that you are healing and moving forward. Although it may feel uncomfortable at first to no longer have such strong emotions towards someone who terrorized you, it is a good sign that you’re finally severing the traumatic bond you once had with them.

2. You have little to no inclination to respond if they reach out to you.

When narcissists reach out in an attempt to bring you back to the vicious cycle of abuse, it is known as “hoovering.” Hoovering can occur through sudden texts, voicemails, missed calls, e-mails, letters, or even a third party checking up on you on the narcissist’s behalf. Hoovering can be intense, especially if you happened to “discard” or end the relationship with your abusive ex first. Where once you used to give into their demands, now you find that you no longer wish to entertain their attempts or watch them escalate. By now, you’ve recognized the narcissist’s games and are practically yawning at the sight of another hoovering attempt sent under an anonymous e-mail address and fake phone number. Rather than giving into their mind games, you’re being proactive at resisting and documenting their attempts instead (this will come in handy should you ever need to take out a restraining order).

3. You no longer look them up on social media.

This is a huge milestone and should not be discounted, especially given the amount of emotional backpedaling that can occur when a survivor gives into the craving to check up on a toxic ex on a social media platform. Narcissists rely on the fact that their victims will be so traumatized that they will search for information about them post-breakup. They even tailor their photos and status updates to provoke their former victims into responding to them – it’s all a sick and twisted power play meant to bring the victim back into the vicious cycle of manipulation. However, survivors who have empowered themselves to detach from their abusers will find that they no longer feel an intense need to know anything about the narcissist or his/her whereabouts. Instead, they find themselves more anxious about making sure that their narcissist no longer has access to them on any social media platform.

4. You could not care less about who they are or aren’t dating.

When you were in the dysfunctional relationship, you were constantly made to walk on eggshells at the possibility of being replaced. You were triangulated and toyed with constantly, made to feel defective, less than and less desirable than whoever the narcissistic abuser compared you to. Now that you’ve gone through the grieving process and done the difficult work of healing your core wounds, you realize that you are irreplaceable and that the narcissist is the defective one, not you. You know that the person they’ve ensnared in their toxic web is just another victim and will inevitably go through the same cycle of abuse, so you’ve taken yourself out of the equation completely.

5. You no longer compare yourself to their past or current victims.

It used to be that you were always ruminating over the narcissist’s endless comparisons concerning you and their other harem members. Now? You couldn’t give two shits about anyone they tried to claim was more appealing – because you know that whoever they’re idealizing now will inevitably be thrust off the pedestal and devalued later. You’re no longer part of the narcissist’s captive audience, waiting to be “chosen.” You’ve chosen yourself instead. You have a firm sense of your own self-worth and you now know that you cannot be compared in your unique beauty or strengths. And those dysfunctional love triangles? You know that some other victim is now being subjected to them – and thankfully, you’re not the one putting up with it.

6. You’re living for you – and being a total badass while doing it.

Perhaps in the initial stages, you were using all of the fuel you got from the break-up to motivate you to ‘move on’ and forward as intensely as possible. Perhaps a small part of you even wanted to ensure that your narcissistic ex saw how well you were doing without them; you may have even tried to fast-forward your healing by dating someone else too early on. Now, however, you find that you have no need to perform. You’re living just for you and you’re savoring life with a new sense of appreciation for the newfound freedom and peace it offers. You’re taking your time and going at your own pace without the need to compete with them and their public façade – instead, you’re giving yourself all the space you need to heal.

7. You’ve reached a whole new level of success – professionally and personally, without them.

Your success has skyrocketed without them and you are rebuilding your life on your own terms – everything from your career to your friendships is being remodeled to better suit your growing sense of abundance. It seems new opportunities and amazing people are gravitating towards you like a magnet – and it’s because you’ve cleared the space for them in your life to enter. You now know you are worthy of all the victories life has to offer.

You are now loving spending time with people who value and nurture you. You’re also spending some much needed quality time alone – getting to know yourself, enjoying your own company and not settling for anything less than the peace and ecstasy you deserve.

8. You have reached a whole new level of emotional liberation.

Now that your emotions aren’t constantly being manipulated by an emotional instigator, you find yourself seeking refuge within your inner guidance and intuition more often. You cut ties with toxic people with much more ease and find yourself unwilling to put up with bullshit. You validate yourself and honor your feelings. You no longer second-guess yourself as much as you used to and you certainly do not engage in as much negative self-talk as you used to. Instead, your usual self-blame and self-criticism have been replaced by affirming thoughts about your strengths and progress. You embrace the ups and downs of the healing journey, knowing that it is all adding to your transformation. You give yourself permission to grieve, to be joyful, to be angry, to be calm – whatever arises, you’re open to it, because you know that processing your emotions in a healthy way is an important part of paving the path back to freedom.

9. You look and feel ten times younger.

During the relationship, your cortisol levels were likely on overdrive and your immune system probably took a severe hit. You probably experienced major changes in weight, your sleeping patterns, and your anxiety levels. Narcissistic abuse has the potential to change you – mind, body, and soul. However, as you become more of an empowered survivor, you find yourself reclaiming power over your own body and psyche. Many survivors find that a daily exercise regimen, yoga, and meditation can help restore their bodies to optimal levels post-trauma.

Now that you’re taking such better care of yourself in an environment with far less toxic stress, you’re now looking, feeling and acting as if you were ten times younger. People notice your increased levels of youthfulness and vitality; you notice that you have more energy, your skin has cleared up, you’re getting sick less often and your physique has become much more fit and agile.

10. You don’t question yourself as much as you used to. You revel in the certainty of your own self-worth.

There’s nothing more attractive than an empowered survivor who feels their worth deep down in their bones. You used to work so hard to please a person who could never be pleased – no matter what you did or what you looked like. Now, you cherish your beauty inside and out. Now, you please yourself. Your own pleasure is your priority. You celebrate the qualities that the narcissist tried to snuff out. You ignite them with full force and use the crucifixion you’ve endured to resurrect yourself.

11. You’ve constructively channeled your experiences for your greatest good and the greater good.

Where once you used to let these experiences define you in a way that constrained and limited you, now you’re using them to set yourself free. You’ve used your experiences as gateways to deeper healing, catharsis and victory. You may have even shared your story to help other survivors. Rather than allowing this experience to defeat you, you’ve allowed it to awaken you and propel you towards bigger dreams and a brighter future. You’ve used this adversity as a platform to rise even higher than before.

Even today, there are many legendary quotes and situations from the show that ring even more true in the modern dating world and serve as guideposts for single women everywhere not to settle in love, sex, and marriage. See if these resonate with you, and don’t forget to binge-watch Sex and the City now that it’s available for streaming on Netflix.

“Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you’re pretty sexy and you’re taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with.”

Now that modern women are decentering dating from their lives and sticking to their standards, it’s become an era of freedom, self-love, and liberation. Women have left dating apps and casual hookup culture en masse to pursue more organic real-life connections or peaceful solitude. Being single is no longer as stigmatized – it is becoming more and more prioritized to pursue before a woman chooses to settle down, if at all, and has become an exciting era of self-discovery to ensure one is not settling for less when choosing a partner.

“Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.”

This quote encapsulates the different types of women in the modern dating world. It includes people who are willing to settle down for anyone so long as they’re settling, people who have actually found a compatible mate, and the eternal romantics with high standards who don’t tend to settle at all until they’ve found “the one.” In a world where low-effort dates and emotional unavailability are becoming more and more normalized, it’s important for modern women to stick to their boundaries and standards.

“I don’t understand why women are so obsessed with getting married? I mean married people just want to be single again, if you’re single, the world is your smorgasbord.” + “You know marriage doesn’t guarantee a happy ending, just an ending.”

The foreshadowing is so real in these two quotes. Who would have thought that years later, many women would be abandoning the idea of marriage altogether? Marriage as a social construct has been put under the critical lens this past decade, especially given its shortcomings for women and the larger amount of domestic and emotional labor women are expected to put up with as they become wives – something they no longer need to do for survival. Research has indicated that the happiness of married people doesn’t appear to reliably increase over time whereas the happiness of single people does, and that psychological distress can actually increase for women after marriage.

“There is a good way to break up with someone, and it doesn’t include a Post-It!”

Replace post-it note with a lack of text message responses after a period of love bombing, and you’ve got yourself a modern dating climate of ghosting, breadcrumbing, and a litter of false promises – or perhaps a man watching your Instagram story silently for the next eighty-four years. While we don’t get break-ups like the one Carrie had with Berger as frequently nowadays, women today still have to deal with mishaps, uncertainty, upheavals and miscommunication over modern technology that are quite cumbersome in the realm of romance.

“The good ones screw you, the bad ones screw you, and the rest don’t know how to screw you.”

Who knew Sex and the City could offer so much insight about the dating experiences of women in one single sentence? Many women have relayed horror stories about the modern dating world – whether getting manipulated by the so-called “nice guys” or the overt con artist “bad boy” types. The orgasm gap in casual encounters has been scientifically studied, and lackluster lovers abound. Many women feel they really have to dig deep these days to find a high-quality lover, let alone a high-quality partner.

“It’s so interesting, you can tell a man I hate you and you’ll have the best sex of your life, but tell him I love you, and you’ll probably never see him again.”

This quote perfectly captures the throes of hookup culture and hot-and-cold relationships. Sexually charged relationships can begin and be filled with plenty of passion, flirty banter, and chaos, but fulfilling, soul-nourishing relationships in the dating world can be rarer to find. For many, the chase and pursuit keeps the romance alive – but once a woman feels sufficiently invested in a relationship, she often feels her emotionally unavailable romantic partners can suddenly lose interest.

“I want to enjoy my success, not apologize for it.”

Miranda Hobbes was so on point with the different ways successful men and women were treated in the dating world. Research indicates that even today, men on average tend to feel threatened by successful women. Not much has changed – if anything, these issues have exacerbated. As women get increasingly more ambitious and successful, their male counterparts often fall short in offering authentic support, and some may even feel emasculated. As a result, successful women often have a harder time navigating the modern dating world.

“The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the “you” you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

This is a quote for the ages, and sadly Carrie Bradshaw did not follow her own advice given the many chances she gave to Mr. Big. However, that doesn’t mean viewers of Sex and the City can’t take this quote and apply it to their own lives. A great partner should bring value to your life and provide the cherry on top – they should not be the center of one’s existence.

“Maybe we can be each other’s soul mates. And then we can let men be just these great, nice guys to have fun with.”

This is another instance where it would have been nice if Carrie actually followed her own sage advice in prioritizing her female friendships on the show, but maybe we can still learn from what she didn’t do by remembering that soulmates cannot just be found in lovers but also best friends, loved ones, and ourselves. Self-partnership and friendships can be some of the most beautiful love stories, and they are just as worthy of pursuing as romantic love.

Psychological thrillers tend to have the most well-crafted plot twists, as they build suspense over time through the psyche of the characters and their deteriorating sense of reality.  Here are eight of the best psychological thriller movies and television shows with the biggest plot twists of all time.

Behind Her Eyes

Behind Her Eyes is a limited television series on Netflix based on a popular novel and it has a plot twist nobody could have ever predicted in their lifetime. What you thought to be a typical “husband has an affair with his co-worker” storyline is completely turned upside its head when single mother Louise, gets involved with a man named David, and establishes an intriguing friendship with his wife, Adele. The tension builds slowly as we find out Adele’s secrets are even darker than David’s, and that they may in fact (spoiler alert) be supernatural. We can safely say this is one plot twist that will keep your jaw on the floor well beyond the ending of the movie and you will never predict what is in store for you.

Tell Me Your Secrets

Tell Me Your Secrets is a suspenseful psychological thriller television series that will keep you up at night and it has one of the most shocking plot twist endings of all time. Karen Miller (Lily Rabe) is the ex-partner of notorious serial killer Kit Parker with whom she shared a fairytale romance. She is suspected by society to also be his partner in crime, but it is not clear whether that is fact, fiction, or gossip. Due to the traumas she’s experienced, Karen suffers from large gaps in her memory that prevent her from knowing how involved she was in Kit’s murders of various women, but as she begins to get gradual flashbacks of the night of one of the murders, she is also tracked down by the mother of one of Kit’s victims seeking answers. Plot twist: in the end, it is discovered that Kit may not be the biggest predator in the series, but it’s not Karen we should be worrying about – it is someone we would never suspect.

Another Girl

This movie is a sequel to Ask Me Anything, and it’s a highly underrated psychological thriller with one of the most chilling plot twists of all time. The first movie, Ask Me Anything (which is also well worth watching) follows a young woman, Katie Kampenfelt, who writes a popular blog that transparently details her love life and unconventional sex life with different older men. At the end of the otherwise “light-hearted” movie, Katie goes missing, never to be seen again, and all the men she talked about are suspects. Another Girl follows where Ask Me Anything left off, with a fan of Katie’s, Elle, being contacted by a stranger online who claims to be her. Elle develops a relationship with the mysterious online stranger, and throughout the movie we learn more about the struggles in her life and her vulnerabilities. Viewers wait with bated breath to see who this stranger really is and whether is truly Katie on the other line, but the ending holds a plot twist that is so downright terrifying you will think about it long after you’ve watched it.

The Sixth Sense

The Sixth Sense is a classic example of a movie with the biggest plot twist of all time. Malcolm Crowe (Bruce Willis) is a child psychologist treating a patient who claims to see and hear dead people. Cole Sear (Haley Joel Osment) is haunted by his supernatural gift. Malcolm is gradually turned into a believer as he guides Cole to use his supernatural abilities to aid other “ghost” children like Kyra Collins gain justice for the traumatizing circumstances surrounding their deaths. The plot twist? Malcolm is a ghost himself, and that is why he is able to talk to Cole in the first place.

Shutter Island

Shutter Island is another classic movie with a stunning plot twist. Teddy Daniels (Leonardo DiCaprio) is a U.S. Marshall who, along with his partner Chuck Aule, go on a ferry boat to Shutter Island, so they can investigate the disappearance of a patient, Rachel Solando, at Ashecliffe Hospital for the Criminally Insane. Rachel is a mother imprisoned for drowning her three children. Teddy is also on a side mission to find the man who murdered his wife while at the hospital, a man he believes to be Andrew Laeddis. The plot twist: unfortunately for Teddy, this secret “mission” may all be in his head, and he is far more acquainted with the Ashecliffe Hospital than viewers might assume – not as a marshall, but as a patient himself, and he has a personal relationship with Rachel Solando that makes his story a tragic one. When I first watched Shutter Island in theaters, I am proud to say I figured out the plot twist near the beginning of the film. However, it’s still a very unsettling plot twist no matter when you figure it out and one that is sure to spook viewers upon first watch.

Gone Girl

In the beginning of the movie Gone Girl, we are led to believe that Amy Dunne (Rosamund Pike) who has disappeared may have been murdered by her husband Nick (Ben Affleck) and that we may actually be hearing her narration from beyond the grave. As we “read” the diary entries of Amy and are thrust into their love story, and follow present-day events as Nick is investigated for her disappearance, however, we are suddenly pivoted into the fact that Amy is actually still alive, and is actively framing her cheating husband for her murder. But an even darker plot twist? This is not the first man Amy has targeted and it likely won’t be her last.

Searching

In the movie Searching, David Kim (John Cho) investigates the disappearance of his daughter Margot. This cyber-thriller is filmed primarily on computers, laptops, phones, and uses Facetime, news media, and videos to build suspense and tension, making it an even more intense ride for the viewer. The movie features many red herrings until we finally find out the culprit behind Margot’s disappearance, and even before we discover the culprit, there are minor plot twists leading up to the grand finale. For example, David finds out that Margot filmed videos for a streaming site called YouCast, he begins to suspect a friend on the site, Hannah, who lives in a different state. In one of the movie’s first creepy plot twists, David sees Hannah’s photo being used on the memorial site for his still missing daughter and realizes she’s a stock model and isn’t truly Margot’s friend. In another, David discovers strange texts between Margot and his brother. But the person behind all of it is someone much closer and more shocking than we would ever suspect.

Where The Crawdads Sing

This cinematic masterpiece and drama psychological thriller follows the life of a young outcast, Kya, known as “Marsh Girl,” who has been accused of murdering Chase Andrews, a popular quarterback. Kya (Daisy Edgar-Jones), who raised herself after being abandoned by her family in the marshes of North Carolina, is misled with false promises of a relationship into sleeping with Chase, only to later discover he is engaged to another woman. However, when she tries to let the relationship go, Chase becomes violent and destructive. Throughout the film, we are led to believe Kya may be innocent due to her alibi, but the truth of what really happened the night of Chase’s murder comes to light at the end with a plot twist that is riveting and satisfying for viewers.