Disagreements and fights are bound to happen in any relationship, including one that is deeply healthy and happy. Merging two human lives is no easy feat, so a bit of turbulence here and there is inevitable.

That said, you do fight right. In other words, you don’t hit below the belt, you communicate openly and honestly, and you take space when things are getting a little too heated. You are both focused on the goal of resolution, not being right. And when the occasion calls for it, you’re able to agree to disagree and move on.

2. You aren’t each other’s “everything.” But you are one another’s priority.

You both have individual identities outside of the relationship. You each have your own friends, hobbies, and goals. You aren’t afraid to spend time apart and encourage one another to pursue each other’s own unique interests.

However, when the time comes to prioritize your relationship, you both do so without fail. You are committed to them and they are equally committed to you in return. Sure, you aren’t each other’s everything; but you do put them first and vice versa whenever the need arises.

3. You have compatible values and goals.

This is one of the more logistical parts of a partnership, but absolutely essential nonetheless. A healthy relationship is one where each partner’s values and life visions align. For example, if you want children and your partner doesn’t, this is a sign that you are not the right fit for one another.

4. The foundation of your partnership is respect and trust.

Because without respect and trust, there is no room for love to grow.

5. You have fun together.

Even if you’re just hanging out on the couch rewatching New Girl reruns, you still enjoy one another’s company. You genuinely love spending time together no matter what. You don’t need to have anything crazy planned in order to have fun.

6. Both of your friends and family support your relationship.

Your family and friends get along with your S.O. You also get along with your partner’s friends and family. As well, they have expressed approval of your partnership. Since your friends and family know you best, this is a telltale sign you and your person are truly healthy together.

7. You choose one another every single day.

In the end, love is more than just a feeling. It is a commitment. You both put in the effort to make each other feel important and valued daily. You each understand how lucky you are to have one another and never take this fact for granted.

When things begin to crumble before our very eyes, we often try and mitigate the fallout by clinging to the shards of what once was instead of allowing them to go.

Rather than letting people be on their way, we first will cling to them and our feelings well past their expiration dates. We will try to convince ourselves that we are meant to stay in places we know we have outgrown, and so we do. We will remain in roles and situations and mindsets that are clearly not working because to let them go sounds far too painful and risky.

We claim we fight because we put so much of ourselves and our time into these scenarios, relationships, and places that it would feel wasteful to not at least try to keep them. But the truth of the matter is that you can only put off the inevitable so long until fate takes the wheel.

What is meant to go will always leave.

But on the other side of that truth is that the things that are meant to arrive always will as well. And the things that are meant to stay always will, too.

This is not to say that we can’t ache over these things we loved and cared about. This is not to say we shouldn’t take the time to process and feel and all of that. This is to say that we need to keep our perspective when we are able to, however.

When we focus too intently on the endings, we fail to look at the horizons ahead of us. We forget to notice the opportunities the empty space create. We drown out the whispers of hope in favor of the shrillness of fear.

Instead, it would be in our best interests to allow ourselves to feel the grief while we still walking forward towards our better, more aligned tomorrows.

While not everything happens for a reason, everything is as it should be at any given moment. Because when we look backwards, we will begin to see that everything makes sense given everything that occurred.

The burned bridges forced us to change directions. The lost love forced us to heal. The towns we outgrew forced us to find home in places that could actually make us feel safe.

Not everything we lose is a loss. Those relationships and moments and jobs and emotions and places that slip through our fingers only make room for everything we were meant to hold on to all along.

We just need to be brave enough welcome them in.

Well, at least they can be. Because when the honeymoon ends and you’re thrust back into real life with an email inbox that never seems to empty and dirty dishes constantly piling up in the sink and daily 6 AM alarms and the dreaded rush hour commute that follows, do you have someone who supports you through those things?

Do you have a partner who asks about your day even though it’s the same shit as yesterday and the day before that, but they still find it interesting because it was your day? Are you with someone who offers to help you clear away the mess from dinner and throws on Frank Sinatra while you both dance around each other in your tiny kitchen to get everything back in order?

Are you sleeping next to someone you wake up next to with bedhead and horrific morning breath and they still lean over, kiss you, and say how attractive you are to them? Can you share comfortable silences together? Do find ways to make each other’s humanity easier to carry?

Do you speak tenderly to one another? Do you behave in caring and respectful ways? Do you love them through the fights, even when they’re being difficult as hell? Do they do the same for you? Will you reach out to hold their hand at their mom’s funeral and make arrangements they can’t bear to make themselves through their grief? Will you forgive them? Will they forgive you? Are you both committed?

If you said yes to any of these, those are relationship goals. It’s not about how good your relationship looks to others. It’s about how it feels standing within it. It’s about what your heart is telling you when it’s 2 AM and they’re snoring and taking up far too much room but you’re still so glad they’re your person. That you chose them and they chose you back.

True relationship goals are better than picture-perfect because they’re real. It’s not just about cute Instagram posts. It’s more about what you don’t post online and share only with one another. Those are relationship goals worth chasing. Those are the things I want. And I hope that’s what you want, too.

So…What Is Phubbing Anyway?

Phubbing has been on the rise in the age of social media and smartphones. While phubbing can happen in any relationship, phubbing is particularly detrimental within romantic partnerships.

Phubbing, aka phone snubbing, is when someone favors using their cell phone over paying full attention to those they are with in person. While it may seem harmless given the ubiquitous nature of phones and technology, phubbing behavior actually has various negative consequences for mental health and relationships.

Signs They’re Phubbing You

There are various signs of your partner phubbing you including:

• They immediately check every single phone notification as soon as they receive one. It’s almost as if they’re being held hostage by their Instagram notifications or text messages.
• They reach for their phone whenever there is a lull in conversation or awkwardness. Rather than finding ways to change the subject or continue talking, your partner simply looks to their phone instead.
• Their phone is basically an extra appendage at this point. They pretty much have it on their person at all times, including when using the restroom.
• They’re clearly distracted by their phone, even when having an in-person conversation with you. Their eyes are never not shifting to their phone, almost waiting for it to light up so they can have an excuse to use it.
• Their phone is always in their hand, ready to be used. Whether this is in bed, at the dinner table, while watching a movie, etc., their phone is glued to their hand.
• They pretend to listen to you while they are clearly texting other people. And when it’s time for them to respond to what you’re saying, they give lackluster answers that show they were never really listening to you in the first place.

The Negative Impact Of Phubbing On Relationships

Research has shown a number of negative side effects of phubbing. For starters, a 2017 study showed that mutual phubbing can actually lower marital satisfaction and cause depression. Not only that, phubbing can sever emotional connectivity in relationships and lead to lower quality communication.

For the person being phubbed, there are also a number of negative consequences for their mental health including depression, feelings of rejection, and loneliness. Not to mention, the phubbed may also feel unimportant to their partner and eventually begin to distrust them.

To be clear, the person phubbing is also being hurt by their rude behavior. A 2018 study that sought to understand how phone usage impacted in-person activities and the enjoyment of those events. Unsurprisingly, participants in the study who exhibited phubbing behavior not only enjoyed their food less than their phone-free counterparts but also were less engaged in the socializing overall.

What To Do If You’re Being Phubbed

If you’re being phubbed, it is important to talk to your partner about how their behavior is making you feel and how it is damaging your relationship as whole.

Offer to help your partner kick the habit by mutually putting away the phones while you’re spending quality time together. Also, do your best to be patient. Breaking a bad habit can take time.

How To Stop Phubbing

Of course, there is a chance you are guilty of this behavior as well. If you realize your phone usage is getting in the way of your relationship and hurting your partner, there are steps you can take to develop a better relationship with your phone.

Setting boundaries about when you can use your phone, putting it on DND, or simply placing your phone out of reach when you’re with your partner are all great ways to be less interested in TikTok, and more in love with the person sitting next to you.

I’m coming to realize that energy truly is everything and what I put into the world always will make its way back to me in the way it is meant to appear. The truth of the matter is that good things take time to arrive, and I need to be patient and trust that what is meant to be mine will always come around when the timing is right.

I’m slowly learning that I need to make an effort. I must prove that I am willing to work for the kind of existence I’m craving, for the kind of love I am seeking. Nothing changes if nothing changes, and so I am moving forward with intention and hope instead of distraction and fear. I am being deeply mindful in the way I show up for myself and my life.

I’m slowly realizing that chasing only leaves me exhausted. I shouldn’t have to bend until I break for anything or anyone. There is a difference between forcing an outcome and fighting for it, and if I’m feeling utterly drained by something, this is the ultimate sign it’s time to let it go.

The truth is that some things just aren’t meant to be mine, no matter how much I may want them to be, no matter how much I keep running towards them and no matter how strongly I feel about them. I need to trust my journey and let everything that leaves me feeling empty behind because this is the only way to make room for what is destined for me. For what is right for me. For what will stay.

And maybe you and I just don’t get a chance to make this right.

Maybe the words that we said don’t get to be anything but broken. Sharp. Cutting. Maybe I’ll never learn to swallow my heartbreak and keep it from jumping out of my chest and causing collateral damage. Maybe there are just some people we don’t get to love forever.

Maybe your eyes don’t actually look like the color of cold coffee long after the ice has melted. Maybe they’re just brown. Maybe you’re not the only one that will ever make me feel safe, loved, and okay just as I am. Maybe it’s dangerous to assume that only someone else can make you feel those things at all.

Maybe I’ll always have just a little bit too much to say to you. Maybe there’s something about you that will always make poetry bleed out of me.

Maybe some people cross our paths to break us. Or maybe they come into our lives for no reason other than coincidence. Whatever the reason you were here, maybe I’m glad you entered my atmosphere at all. Or maybe I’m not.

Because maybe we’re better off as strangers. Maybe one day your name will mean nothing to me other than as someone I used to know, your syllables fading into the backdrop of my life as I strive towards a tomorrow without the hope of an us in it.

But maybe I don’t want that at all. Maybe I just need time. Maybe you do, too. Maybe I just need to let you go slowly until the freefall doesn’t sound so scary anymore. And maybe you just can’t be the one to catch me.

And maybe, just maybe, one day we can be friends. Actual friends. Just friends.

And maybe I’m okay with that.

1. Being disrespected.

Disrespect is a common relationship trigger, and for good reason. Given the fact that respect is the foundation for a healthy and loving partnership, being disrespected causes feelings of insecurity and loneliness.

While some types of disrespect are loud and easy to spot (i.e. name calling, yelling, and belittling), other forms of disrespect can be more subtle such as demanding conflicts to be resolved immediately or delaying the difficult but necessary conversations.

2. Fear of being betrayed.

The fear of being betrayed is especially pertinent of you have been cheated on in a past relationship. After all, cheating is a form of betrayal and can cause major trust issues in future relationships if not processed properly.

The fear of being betrayed trigger may arise in relationships if your partner goes away for a weekend, sees an ex out and about, or takes time to respond to a text or call.

3. Being ignored.

Being ignored can be a huge trigger in relationships. Having your partner blow off a text or call or take too long to get back to you for date night can make you feel unwanted and uncared for, and understandably so.

4. Feeling too dependent on your partner.

Feeling as though you can’t live without your partner can trigger feelings of insecurity and resentment, especially if you have an avoidant attachment style. If that’s the case, starting to feel the vulnerability that comes with loving another person can be downright painful, so much so that you want to sprint in the other direction (and often do).

***

Getting triggered happens; it’s how you respond to that emotional upheaval that matters the most. Be sure to communicate with your partner, set boundaries, and take space if you’re feeling particularly emotionally aroused. This can make all the difference in the world.

January

People feel safe with you because you’re a great listener. You’re sincerely interested in other people and their experiences. You ask wonderful, pertinent questions and keep the focus on the person you’re conversing with. In short, you make people feel heard and this goes a long way.

February

People feel safe with you because you give excellent advice. You’re always available to give your opinion on any issue someone may be struggling with. You have great intuition and this translates to others’ situations as well. People feel safe with you because they know you’ll always steer them in the right direction.

March

People feel safe with you because you’re emotionally validating. You’re as empathetic as they come and make room for anyone to feel what they feel when they feel it. You validate emotions because you know that everyone’s feelings are valid. This makes people feel safe because they don’t feel like they have to put up a front around you. They truly can just be themselves.

April

People feel safe with you because you’re non-judgmental. You know everyone has things they’re insecure about and that no one is perfect. People feel safe with you because they know they can come to you with pretty much anything and you wouldn’t hold it against them. Instead, you’d try and understand.

May

People feel safe with you because you are more the merrier. You’re always down to do pretty much anything. You always want to make sure others are having a great time and will do everything in your power to make sure no one feels left out.

June

People feel safe with you because of your positive energy. You are truly a ray of light. You always try and find the best in any situation. And, if there is nothing good to be found, you don’t let it color your whole mood. You accept everything for what it is and move on.

July

People feel safe with you because you’re incredibly caring. You truly enjoy taking care of other people because you firmly believe that we’re on this planet to help one another. And that you do. You’re the type of person who never forgets a birthday, will bring chicken noodle soup to a friend who is sick, and are the person people know they can call with a problem at 2 AM.

August

People feel safe with you because you’re really fun to talk to. You’ve mastered the art of conversation. You are engaging and witty and know how to keep a conversation rolling without it ever getting stale. You’re interesting and interested and that is your superpower.

September

People feel safe with you because you are always down to help out. You’re the person people call when they need help cleaning their room, figuring out their budget, and running to the grocery store. You’re the type of person people know they can always depend on. You’re reliable and responsible and don’t let the people you love down ever.

October

People feel safe with you because you have very calming presence. You’re balanced and fair. You’re basically the human version of the Calm app. You can talk anyone down from a spiral and make them feel at ease again. Your peaceful demeanor makes everyone feel safe.

November

People feel safe with you because you’re deeply loyal. You would never betray someone else’s confidence. You value loyalty and sincerity above all else and hold yourself to those same standards in your own relationships. You stand by your loved ones’ sides when things get tough. You’re a constant in people’s lives and this makes people feel safe and taken care of.

December

People feel safe with you because you make people feel special. For example, when you’re talking to someone, you engage with them as if they’re the most interesting person on the planet. And this is sincere. Because when you’re with someone, you’re with them and nowhere else. You give your undivided attention and make people feel important. This is a gift. Never lose it.

1. He cannot take accountability for anything.

To him, nothing is ever his problem. He is quick to shift the blame in all situations, from work issues to money problems to friendship fights. And when it comes to disagreements between you and him, he never takes ownership of his role in a conflict. It is somehow always your fault and your problem.

2. He is selfish.

Everything is on his terms and no one else’s. He does not take you and your feelings into account because he is only viewing the world from his perspective. He makes decisions based on his wants and needs only, even if those choices negatively impact others. He has a self-centered approach to life and has little consideration for how his behavior affects other people.

3. He is not future-oriented at all.

While living in the moment is one thing, completely ignoring the fact the future is coming and should be taken into account is another.

An emotionally immature man doesn’t have long-term goals or ambitions. He doesn’t know what he wants out of his life and claims he is just “going with the flow.” His lack of foresight can manifest in a number of ways including financial struggles to dead-end jobs to saying what kind of relationship he wants with you.

What he fails to realize, however, is that life requires some planning and commitment in order to turn out in a positive, fulfilling way.

4. He’ll delay making plans with you because he want to “see how he’s feeling first.”

A man with emotional maturity would not only have the consideration to know that it’s unfair to keep someone waiting around but would also not need to see what his mood was before committing to plans. Because even if he was in a bad mood, an emotionally mature man would have the emotional regulation skills to work through it and still be able to show up for you. An emotionally immature man, on the other hand, is completely ruled by his emotions and therefore at their mercy at any given time.

5. He fights in unfair ways.

This means he may resort to name-calling or become defensive if you bring up something he did that hurt you in some way. In fact, you sometimes don’t even bother bringing up your grievances because his reaction isn’t worth dealing with, or the fight that comes afterward. It’s exhausting.