And seeing them again after their era is over, when we’ve moved apart or simply grown into different people, always feels like getting to live — if only for one night of bar-hopping — like I’m that person again. We spend hours catching up on all the people we knew together, the places we used to go, and the things we allowed ourselves to do that we would never consider today. These girlfriends are an ambassador of a place I used to live, both physically and spiritually, and it often feels like they carry a huge part of myself with them. I like to think they feel the same about me.

But sometimes, things don’t go so well. We separate for a real reason, and we don’t meet back up a year or so later to breathlessly catch up on everything we’ve missed. For lack of a better term, we break up. And though I would love to pretend that these breakups were the intrusion of a villainous boyfriend, or totally unavoidable circumstances — or even the other girl’s fault entirely — they are my fault, at least in part. When I analyze every girlfriend I have fallen out with (and it’s not many, but enough to draw a pattern or two), I’ve behaved selfishly. I’ve dumped too much of my personal bullshit on them, demanded too much of their time, or neglected their needs. I’ve even betrayed trust. Sometimes they acted poorly, too, but I can always find fault in some of the things I’ve done. I can say that I treated them like I didn’t love them, like I didn’t value their presence as a friend and partner-in-crime.

In short, I treated them like you treat a significant other before you break up.

And we never talk about friend breakups, because we don’t think of them in the same way. We don’t analyze the loss in our lives the same way, and we certainly don’t expect to be able to go to other friends crying, mourning the loss of a relationship you valued so much. But losing a girlfriend has often left me as devastated (if not more so) as losing a romantic relationship. It eats away at me, and runs my self-esteem into the ground. Because it doesn’t feel like a release or a moment of closure the way you do feel the end of a romantic relationship (even if it’s painful), it only feels like evidence of my own shortcomings, of my failures, of the fact that I couldn’t make it work with a girl I loved.

It’s probably silly, but every time I love a girlfriend truly, I imagine the two of us old, laughing and making dirty jokes and drinking gin cocktails in the retirement home. I imagine us being the broads at the end of a long, thrilling life of friendship and love who are happy to just watch people walk by and gossip. And maybe play some cards. But I imagine a future with them, the way I do with my boyfriend, the way I do with my family, the way I do with anyone I love. I picture a version of myself who is older, wiser, but still surrounded by the people she really loves.

Breaking up with a girlfriend — hurting her, or having her hurt you, to the point of separation — means accepting that the retirement home vision will probably not happen. And just like in any breakup, you have to wish them the best, hope that they will find their happiness with someone better suited to them. You have to hope that they will find a partner-in-crime who doesn’t take them for granted, or get caught up on petty things. You have to move on, and let them move on, even if their friendship defined an entire era of your life. Even if they feel like an ambassador from a place you used to live, but can’t visit anymore. Even if you’re not ready to let them go.

1. Just having a job of any kind is already a huge victory. It’s easy to get caught up in wanting a “better” job, or one that pays more, or one that sounds cooler, but you can’t lose sight of important it is to have a job at all.

2. Being self-conscious about money is the silliest thing you could do in our generation. If you have debt, you don’t need to be embarrassed about it. You just have to work hard to make the best of your situation, and be honest with your budget. There is no shame in saying “I can’t go out this week, trying to save money.”

3. Never judge anyone else about the kind of job they’re working, or the lifestyle they are living. It’s a hard battle for everyone.

4. You’re probably going to get broken up with, and have to break up with someone. Both of them are going to be horrible in their own way, but it’s important to remember how terrible it can feel on both sides, so you’ll be kinder next time.

5. It’s always a good time to call your parents.

6. A new purse might look nice, or a better apartment might be more comfortable, but nothing should come before health insurance.

7. When your friends are having a special moment and sharing it on Facebook, always take a moment to show your support and excitement for them. You may think it’s cheesy to collect 400 “likes” for a picture of an engagement ring, but that’s someone’s special day, and it doesn’t make you any happier to not be happy for them.

8. Some people around you are going to get married in their early 20s and everyone will have something snarky to say about it. But always try to err on the side of believing in love, because even if they do end up divorcing because they got together too young, would you really feel better saying “I told you so?”

9. The sooner you realize there is no real “too young” or “too old,” and only “the right time for that person,” the happier you’ll be.

10. You aren’t required to be friends with anyone. This isn’t middle school where you’re in constant proximity to them and need to put on a good face — if someone is hurting you, you can cut them out as a friend for your own mental health. And that doesn’t make you a bad person.

11. That said, we often attribute to malice what was just ignorance. Give people a chance to explain themselves and apologize, because jumping to conclusions can make us miss out on great people.

12. “Staying friends with an ex” is one of those “I’m a grown up, look at how mature I am” ideals that rarely works in practice. If you can’t be friends with an ex, that’s totally legitimate, and it doesn’t make you immature.

13. Deleting someone on Facebook can seem so final and aggressive, but often it’s the best thing you can do for your healing process.

14. If you have money to go out to bars, get takeout, or buy new clothes, you have money that you could be saving for travel. If traveling is important to you, you have to prioritize it, and that means financially.

15. Being on social media will always be a double-edged sword — you get to stay in touch with people you love, but are too informed about their lives, blah blah blah. But ultimately you get to choose what you share and what you keep secret. No one is forcing you to log on or to post multiple times a day.

16. What happens online is permanent, but that’s true for everyone, and one picture of you drinking on Facebook is not the end of your career.

17. Drinking is the most expensive activity in the world, and among the least rewarding. If you’re going to go out, get to know the good deals in your area, or at least have a drink or two at home before going out. There is no feeling worse than waking up with a hangover and 100 dollars magically missing from your bank account.

18. Asking for help is not the end of the world, from parents or friends or partners. But always be grateful, and always try to help when someone else needs something.

19. If you’re ever uncomfortable or anxious at a party, you can leave. Saying you don’t feel well and need to go home is a thousand times better than pretending to enjoy yourself and having a terrible time. Leaving is always an option.

20. Take care of your body. It’s not about what you look like, it’s not about what you weigh, but it’s about how tired you get just living a normal life and doing basic physical activity. You can be 120 pounds and still get winded going up two flights of stairs — and only you know if this is really true.

21. Drink lots of water, especially if you have bad skin, but just in general. Water is your best friend, along with health insurance, a good trench coat, and discretion on social media. But mostly water.

(When you are totally not broke at all.)

Can we create a new word for this “I-have-money-I’m-just-choosing-not-to-spend-it-in-this-way” phenomenon? Because we have a huge part of our generation who is likely going to live their entire financial life in negative dollars, and honestly, it’s just insulting at this point.

2. Eww, I would never eat that

Good, friend, more Doritos Locos tacos for me. Rabid opossum-like glare.

3. When are you going to get a real job?

Oh my goodness, are there any two words in the entire English language more offensive than “real job?” Because if your plan is to look at someone with that condescending-pity face and ask that question right after they get off a double shift waiting tables for tips while living at their parents’ house and trying to save enough money to make a dent in their student debt before moving out, you might as well just kick them directly in the heart.

4. Yeah, I don’t have to do anything for my skin, I just splash water on my face

As someone who has struggled with acne and rosacea all of her red-faced life, please don’t say this. It really does feel like God leaning down from the heavens and slapping you in the face personally, and there’s nothing you can say in response that doesn’t make you sound jealous and weird (even though you totally are both of those things). Appreciate your genetic lottery win, and at least pretend like you occasionally moisturize, for everyone’s sanity.

5. I can eat as much as I want and I don’t gain weight

Same thing goes for this. No one wants to imagine you going through two sleeves of Nutter Butters as crumbs fall daintily onto your washboard stomach. No one needs that mental image.

6. I hate Beyoncé

Look, I don’t even love Beyoncé that much, but even I know that this statement is ridiculous. There is literally nothing about her that you can hate. At worst, you can only feel neutral toward her and impressed with her consistency and work ethic. Saying you hate her is just an exercise in petty contrarianism, and it’s not a good look on anyone.

7. You’re dating them?

What is someone supposed to say to this, exactly? Like, “Yes, I am dating this person that you clearly don’t approve of, thanks for reminding me that you think my relationship is some combination of beneath me and offensive to your taste level. I have many things to do with this new information!”

8. Oh, really? Well I did ____

The one-upper. I can’t even. We’re all guilty of this from time to time, often without realizing it, but that’s really no excuse. Because—let’s be honest—there are few things worse than announcing some form of cool or good news and having someone swoop in to promptly ruin your sense of fulfillment. Whether it’s name-dropping someone more important that they know, or mentioning a more impressive thing that they did in the professional sphere, there is just no saving the quicksand of one-upping.

9. I’m soooo busy

Right, because the rest of us are just sitting here in a suspended reality—not unlike those goo pods from The Matrix—waiting for you to descend into our realm and let us know when is good for brunch. No one has anything to do but you, and your level of busy far outweighs ours. You let us know when you are free.

10. That [outfit/hairstyle/makeup] is so interesting

Friend, we all know what that heavily emphasized “interesting” means, and it is not a synonym for cute.

11. I’m so fat!

(Said by the conventionally thin, attractive person.)

Can we all just say what we mean in this instance, please? “I know that I am in no way society’s definition of fat, or even chubby—but I am currently experiencing a mild lull in my compliment-receiving marathon, so I would like to renew that resource as efficiently as possible.”

12. Looks like somebody went out last night

Ooh, you got me, I have a crippling hangover. And nothing feels better when all the lights are too loud and your hair hurts than having some perky coworker who just got off a 20-mile mountain bike ride, or whatever the hell you people do, remind you that everyone can tell.

13. Love will come when you stop looking for it

Nothing more satisfying than this trumpeting-angel-accompanied proclamation from high atop Mount Stable Couple, reminding you that in your struggle to find a decent date, all you have to do is stand perfectly still and wait for Prince Charming to fly like wayward debris into your orbit.

This post originally appeared on The Financial Diet.

 When Taylor Swift sang “Find out what you want, be that girl for a month,” I cringed into another dimension — because I very much used to be that girl. There was a couple-year period where I dated an incredibly disparate cross-section of men and attempted to shoehorn myself into each new aesthetic in order to impress them. Of course, this meant spending a lot of money I really didn’t have on everything from clothes to concerts to online classes on a subject they were interested in (yes, I realize this is humiliating and borderline-sociopathic behavior — it was a weird time). Anyway, the point is, there were a good few purchases I made during that time in the interest of impressing a man that I deeply regret, and feel some serious embarrassment over.

And yes, part of this is ~society’s fault~, as we are often taught as women that it is our job to adapt and fit into what a man is already interested in, but it is up to us, as we mature and become more comfortable with ourselves, to shake ourselves free from these patterns. It is up to us to look at that one time we bought tickets, clothes, and a new tent for a three-day jam band festival when we absolutely hate jam bands, camping, and music festivals (not saying this was me, but also not saying it wasn’t), and feel that raw sense of shame. Not a single dollar should go to impressing some dude (or woman!) on false terms, nor should any relationship be predicated on transforming oneself to fit another’s taste.

So to give us all that extra kick in the pants, I spoke to 11 women about the worst thing they ever spent money on to impress a guy. Here are their answers:

“Before my first date with [now-boyfriend], I bought a push-up bra because I’m bad at dating/being a person, and I thought he would only like me if I had boobies. I haven’t worn it since our first date, and it was like $60 at Victoria’s Secret.” – Caty

“I was really obsessed with this guy in college who felt ‘out of my league,’ which should have been a sign right there, and I kind of decided that I would do any and everything to get his attention. At the time I didn’t have a ton of money to get myself a new wardrobe or do some fancy thing to attract his attention, but I definitely had enough money to go to the Duane Reade and get a box of cheap hair dye, which I used to dye my hair a truly atrocious shade of red, because he had at one point posted a Facebook status about how redheads were ‘God’s gift to the Earth, after beer.’ The fact that I would do that, and the fact that I would do it for a guy who posted Facebook statuses like that, still makes me cringe to this day. Oh, and he still didn’t want to date me.” – Lindsay

“Brooklyn Half-Marathon participation. I mentioned to my boyfriend on our first date that I wanted to be a runner (he mentioned he had done like 2-4 half marathons by this point) and it was a ‘bucket list’ item to run a half marathon (not really, the Disney one would have been cooler). So a month later he held me to it, and I got in (he almost didn’t), and I had to run. I made it to the finish line under 3 hours but I now swear I will never do it again.” – Brittany

“The most embarrassing thing I ever bought to impress a guy would probably be a veggie burger on a date with a guy that regularly ran 7+ miles. I would’ve gone with a regular burger, but I wanted to come across as healthier. I don’t usually find veggie burgers particularly embarrassing, but when you’re at a great burger place and you’re pairing it with a beer… I should’ve spent my money on the real deal. ” – Marissa

“When I was 13, I was not exactly flush with cash, which makes the fact that I spent 40 hard-earned dollars — made from actual manual labor on my family farm — on a terribly-made, red, black, yellow, and green knitted backpack emblazoned with Bob Marley’s face seem extra terrible. BUT the boy I was crushing on at that year’s county fair (who was white, 15, and probably couldn’t point Jamaica out on a map) LOVED Bob Marley. So I loved Bob Marley, and until about two years ago, I had the backpack to prove it.” – Laura

“This guy I dated always commented on my perfume, which was a Nirvana Black sample that I had gotten at Sephora with another purchase. Despite not totally loving that perfume myself, I went ahead and bought a bottle of it just because this guy liked the smell. If only I had saved that money, I could be spritzing myself with Tom Ford Black Orchid.” – Hailey

“I told this guy that I was into surfing… I had never surfed… I literally bought a cheap surfboard that I found on Craigslist to keep up the ruse, which literally just sat in the corner of my living room until he and I broke up about two months later, at which point I gave it away to a friend of a friend who actually enjoyed surfing.” – Olivia

“One of the most embarrassing memories I have of money I’ve spent for a guy was buying two tickets for my friend and I to go to this alt-rock music show (called Bamboozle) that I knew a guy I had a huge crush on was going to be at. (Hey, it was 2006, and the idea of us getting dressed up in our ‘rock show’ all-black best and sneaking a cigarette felt EXTREMELY COOL AND SCANDALOUS.) Anyway, we had to hitch a ride from a friend to the show, we got stuck in a huge amount of traffic on the NJ parkway, and we ended up missing the very set I knew my crush would be at. (Sigh, I’d just have to *pretend* I was there so as to impress him into thinking I was much more badass than I was.) My friend and I ended up sitting on a grassy hill in the parking lot casually waiting for the dude and his friends to come out so we could collectively relive how awesome the show was. That $100 was seriously painful to part with at that age, especially when the guy turned out to be 100% uninterested in me…lel.” – Alex

“This guy I liked in high school mentioned that he liked ‘country girls’ (which I am very much not), so I bought a wife beater because that was as close as I was going to get to being a country girl. Obviously I never wore the wife beater, because it was heinous and I’m not dead inside.” – Ella

“I was in a two-year relationship where I never really felt like I could be myself, and I spent untold amounts of money trying to keep up with his lifestyle. Basically, he was this very traditional, WASPy guy from a ‘good family,’ and I had an extremely humble upbringing with a blue-collar family. I never felt good enough for him, and would constantly buy things like Lacoste polos and tennis skirts and Lilly Pulitzer dresses whenever we’d go to visit his family. I felt like I was essentially playing a character for him, but receiving a compliment from his mother felt like the ultimate validation, as weird as it sounds. I think I was going through this whole class-insecurity thing of being the working-class girl who went to an Ivy League school, and it manifested itself in this extremely wonky relationship. It didn’t end up working out, and I absolutely hate all the clothes I bought for it, but lesson learned. I am who I am.” – Bea

“I went on a date with a guy to a restaurant I couldn’t afford in college (because I wanted to seem fancy and chic), and went to do the wallet fake-out when the check came, and he was like ‘Thank you for treating me!’ and I literally had all three cards declined in the middle of this fancy restaurant, until the guy was finally like ‘Okay’ and paid for it in cash. Never, ever again did I do the wallet fake-out unless I actually have the money to back it up. Those were the most excruciating 10 minutes of my life.” – Phoebe 

Accept that they’re still here.

You know the one – the one who popped into your head the second you read this, the one who’s been occupying that same little place in the back of your mind for as long as you can remember. It’s the person you think of every so often like a punch to the gut, the one you allow yourself to remember in little painful bursts which make you wince. Maybe they’re still in your life, still on your phone, still the profile you type in late at night after a few glasses of wine and look at just a little too long. Maybe their number hasn’t been in your phone for months, but it doesn’t have to be, because you still remember it by heart. Maybe they aren’t there at all, no one you can touch or laugh with or even yell at with all the things you wish you’d said. Maybe they’re totally gone, but you still can’t let them go.

Remember that it’s not up to you, though. Remember that you can only control your half of the equation, and that it’s not your job to decide when someone else will come and go from your life. You cannot force anyone to stay, or to stay in love, or even to stay your friend. Remember that it will always be worth waiting for the person who wants to be there, that the feeling of being wanted in return will be a thousand times better than holding someone hostage. If you’re still reaching out, still grabbing at their hand, still clinging to the last little bits of what you had – know that it’s only delaying your pain, and robbing you both of your dignity. Never settle for pity.

So take the first step, and the second. Do the things that feel like ripping a band-aid off so that you can start making the decisions, instead of waiting to see what they choose to do. Send that final email that you’ve been delaying, because you don’t want to admit that it’s really, really over. Tell them what you need to say, leave nothing unturned, say the things you can’t come back from. Take away their number, their name on your feed, their old emails you’ve been saving and reading whenever you feel really, really low. Purge yourself of them and choose to do it actively, let yourself have the final say for once by having the first one.

Ask your friends, as nicely as you can, to help you forget them. Tell them that you don’t want to talk about this person anymore, and to cut you off if you do. Remember that what you are in denial about is almost certainly obvious to everyone else, so let them be the mirror you don’t want to look in. When you’re getting desperate, when you’re reaching for your phone, when you’re about to have the same conversation for the hundredth time about what your last conversation meant, make sure there is someone to stop you. Let everyone know you want to be stopped, and you want to be clean.

Start this year with building, with all the things you will focus on and put your energy into, so that there will be no space left for the person you need to let go. Remember that you can only be aching if you have time for it, and that there are a thousand things you could be doing with your evenings that aren’t “debating sending yet another text message you’ll regret.” Make this the year of letting go by making it the year you embrace things, the year you take up space with things that deserve it, and the year you remember how much time you wasted in the last one.

Let them go by remembering that there will be another one. Another love, another project, another passion, another night on a rooftop drinking wine and making each other laugh. There will be another thing that consumes you – and it might not even be a person. If it’s not, maybe even better. Remember that this will not stay forever as the big thing that consumes you, and that this can be the year of finding something much, much better, if you make room for it.

And remember that once someone is gone, they are an anchor, no matter how much you want to see them otherwise. Don’t spend another year with their weight tied to your ankle, because there are way too many wonderful things to see above the water.

The one you can always depend on to live-text something really weird or funny, because if you’re not both there to share it, that means you have to be on your phone as much as possible relaying the details and telling them about that thing that they just won’t believe, you have to get a picture, you’re trying but this woman with big hair is in the way, omgomgomg.

The one who thinks of you before they think of themselves, who gets a little thrill out of doing nice things for no reason, who shows up with coffee or your exact favorite bagel order or a movie you’ve been waiting to watch together – and who knows you love to do the exact same things for them.

The one who will go drink-for-drink with you all night, then meet you for a greasy brunch the next day and insist on ordering the tater tots, because you earned them.

The one who was there when bad things happened, who wrote you right away to ask if you were okay, if you needed anything, if they could come by – and really meant it. Everyone else might offer a little word here or there, but you know that they are the only one who would really drop everything, no matter what, and come help you feel better. They will bring you wine and snacks during your breakup, re-watch your favorite movie that you’ve seen eight times when you didn’t get that job, make you a bowl of soup when you’re really, really sick.

The one who remembers the things that are really important, who is there for big events and small ones that are only important to you. The one who actually calls you on your birthday, who actually makes a point to see you with big news, who doesn’t rely on social media to remember what matters.

The one who says they love you and means it, because friend-love is no less special or in need of being expressed than romantic love.

The one who isn’t afraid to give you shit, who tells you exactly what you need to hear, who won’t let you leave the house with one eyebrow wonky. The one who tells you when you’re being an asshole, and gives you the honest advice that you don’t want to hear but absolutely need to. The one who loves you enough to respect you with the truth, and who wants you to be the best possible version of yourself that you can be, even if that means a little tough love to get there.

The one who keeps your secrets, who knows everything but shares nothing because they know that you have nothing if you don’t have absolute trust.

The one who makes just sitting on a bed, eating snacks and marathonning YouTube videos the absolute best way to spend a weekend. The one who makes you look forward to rainy days because you have an excuse to hole up and be hermits and watch your favorite, weird things while getting tipsy by yourselves.

The one who makes you feel at home, no matter how long you’ve known them, no matter how you met them. The one who immediately became irreplaceable, who knows you better than you know yourself – who feels like family the way family should always be, fun and happy and totally without judgment or malice. The one who makes you feel loved, and realize that you deserve to be.

2. One should always have a drink when flying. No matter the time, no matter the day, no matter the circumstance of flying (unless it’s really bleak, although that could be even MORE of a chance for a drink). The sky is the ideal location for a bloody mary, and more importantly, that drink will help you relax and potentially even get some goddamn sleep in coach. (This is, of course, unless you’re already taking something to relax/sleep. In which case, don’t fucking drink.)

3. Forgetting your headphones is akin to forgetting your passport. Do a double-or-triple check, because those horrible headphones they give you in the plane are basically like crumpling up tinfoil in your ears and listening to someone sing to you through it.

4. Don’t take off your shoes and put them under you on the seat. That is honestly one of our greatest behavioral sins as white women and we have to put a stop to this heinous cultural practice. No one wants your gross, smelly feel all over the place. You don’t look cute, you just look selfish.

5. Two things should always be acquired before boarding: a big-ass bottle of water, and some napkins/tissues. You will always be weirdly thirsty (mostly because every food served on a plane is 90 percent sodium, 10 percent food particles), and they only give you a shot glass full of the soda of your choice to wash it down. And for the tissues, you need to be able to wipe your hands/nose/face/whatever at the drop of a hat.

6. Generally speaking, when looking for good food/generous servings of free booze in coach for long flights, go with the national airline of whatever country you’re flying to/from (if you’re willing to pay more, or if it’s the same price). The holy grail of this is Air France, who, in coach, starts you with free champagne, followed by a choice of dishes and wine, followed by a digsetif and dessert.

7. If you are extremely scared of even mild turbulence (raises hand), tell the person next to you at the beginning of the flight if you don’t know them. Be jokey and chill about it, but let them be prepared for you bursting into tears/Hail Marys/general chaos at the first sign of bumpiness.

8. Now is the time to watch Eddie Redmayne movies. Every Eddie Redmayne movie is a perfect plane movie.

9. You never think you’re going to need the little neck pillow, but you always do. There is nothing worse than being seated next to someone who is silently dreaming a thousand peaceful dreams in their neck pillow while you are left to awkwardly angle your neck against the unforgiving concrete chairs in coach.

10. Checking bags is for amateurs and people who are moving. Becoming a master of the carry-on is when you know you have truly reached Travel Zen.

11. Be kind to your steward(ess). There are way too many people who treat them like some terrible mixture of a butler and a disliked relative, and offering them a smile, a please and thank you, or a few kind words is huge to making the airplane (and world) a better place to be. The person that pushes the cart is also in control of the free things you could potentially get, so they should be your best friend for the duration of the flight anyway.

12. You have the right to “accidentally” elbow people who are loudly, open-mouth snoring during a daytime flight. No one needs to deal with that shit for three hours.

13. While no one should be the girl in full makeup, heels, and a bandage dress at the airport, it is also unadvisable to look like you just rolled out of your worst hangover and into the airplane, clad in sweatpants, a messy bun, and a general look of disease. Let’s all find a middle ground somewhere in the “comfortable denim, loose sweater, ballet flats” area.

14. Tweeting your anger at airlines is futile, but cathartic. Do what you must, but don’t expect the poor social media manager at the other end to do anything but say how sorry they are.

15. When landing in a new city with complicated or questionable public transportation to the place you’re staying, suck it up and get a cab. I’ve spent too many broke college travel nights sleeping in dangerous train stations and taking buses to far-flung areas of a city I didn’t know, and it’s only by sheer luck that I have not at least been stabbed by now. Invest the 30 dollars and take a cab.

The Holy Grail of Thanksgiving sides, cornbread stuffing is proof that something good came out of the (admittedly horrifying) Thanksgiving origin story, and that something truly incredible can be made out of slightly stale bread. Cornbread stuffing is, of course, superior to regular stuffing, because cornbread (especially with little kernels of corn in it) has that wonderful sweetness that is perfect when counteracted with things like onion, sausage, aromatic herbs, garlic, and delicious turkey/chicken stock. You can even go crazy and make it a jalapeno cornbread stuffing, although I admit that I am partial to the traditional Thanksgiving flavor profile (and Simon & Garfunkel lyric) of sage, rosemary, and thyme.

Regular stuffing

Regular stuffing is to cornbread stuffing as Harry Styles is to Zayn Malik. Not bad, by any means, but definitely not the star of the show. Regular stuffing is your standard-issue white guy in the group. There’s nothing wrong with him, but you’re not going to be fighting anyone to take home leftovers.

Roasted brussels sprouts

Perhaps this is just a liberal East Coaster side, as my red state family members never seem to break them out, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t an incredible dish. Roasted brussels sprouts are the attractive, smart date you bring to the family Thanksgiving celebration. Everyone is vaguely impressed that you brought them, and – as long as they are properly executed and crispy with a little bacon and candied nuts – they are going to be the surprise favorite of the evening. Brussels sprouts will never get into a fight about ISIS with your grandfather.

Mashed potatoes with gravy

Who doesn’t love mashed potatoes? Literally only criminals and ghosts. Mashed potatoes are delicious, and the exceptional thing about gravy is that, even on your aunt’s inarguably bland and shitty mash, it manages to work its magic. There is almost no mashed potato that cannot be saved by a half-boatful of good gravy, and that shit can go on to improve nearly everything else on your plate, if done right. (This of course means that whoever is charged with making the gravy better have their shit together, but usually people can pull it off reasonably well.)

Sweet potato with marshmallow

Honestly, I’m not even really sure how or why this ever became a dish, but I’m assuming that it came from the same crazy ‘50s cookbooks that advocated shit like shrimp in jell-o and topping your cakes with raw cream cheese. Either way, it’s somehow stood the test of time, and although it is arguably not really deserving of being called a dinner item (it’s honestly more of a dessert), it’s usually pretty delicious. If a relative who can’t cook makes it, at least you can pick off the toasted marshmallows, which is a saving grace most dishes can’t claim.

Green bean casserole

Honestly, all dishes that are based on the concept of dumping Campbell’s cream-of-whatever soup into the mix and topping it with some kind of crushed, fried item need to go the way of Crystal Pepsi. We have clearly evolved past green bean casserole, and unless you’re making some elevated foodie version, you really have no excuse for putting this on your table. It’s literally just a wobbly pyrex full of chemicals and sadness. And it’s not worth the calories.

Canned cranberry sauce

The recipe for actual, real, homemade cranberry sauce is literally three ingredients: sugar, water, cranberries. If you’re getting fancy you can throw some cloves and orange peel in there, but you don’t even have to! It’s literally the easiest thing in the entire world to make, and the difference in goodness between “gross, jiggly canned cranberry sauce” and “the stuff you took 10 minutes to make on the stove” is canyon-sized. Upgrade your whole life and get rid of canned cranberry sauce, because anything called a “sauce” that can be sliced into individual patties to serve is not something people should be eating in 2015.

The Sad Salad

There’s always the one Sad Salad that someone brings because they’re trying to be healthy and thus foisting their sadness on everyone else at the table. It’s Thanksgiving, don’t they know it’s the time to eat carbs and animal protein by the ladle-full, and to serve yourself gravy out of something literally called a boat? It’s not a moment for salad. So, of course, literally no one touches the salad, and everyone just watches it wilt slowly under its dressing as Aunt Carole gets sadder and sadder that no one is choosing to follow her on her Healthy Holiday Journey. Sorry, Carole. Pass the potatoes covered in melted sugar.

2. Go to a restaurant by yourself with just a book (your phone has to stay in your pocket/purse). Read, enjoy your meal, have a good glass of wine (or two), look at the people around you. Get over the fear of eating alone by realizing how awesome it is.

3. Walk around naked in your apartment after a shower for as long as you like. Hell, watch an entire movie naked. Forget that you have to get dressed at all.

4. Learn to cook even if you’re the Carrie Bradshaw, I-use-my-oven-for-storage type of girl who swears she can ruin Kraft Mac & Cheese. Learn to make something for yourself, to feel the pleasure of a job well done, and to open up an entirely new world of hobbies and interests just by engaging with one room in your house.

5. Paint a wall a crazy color. If you decide you hate it, after all, it’s just paint. You can always paint it over.

6. Check thrift stores, Craiglists, stoops, and random Facebook groups for everything you need for your apartment. Never underestimate the power of the universe to find you a great couch at an insane price.

7. Order a bloody mary on your flight. Yes, even a morning flight. Perhaps especially a morning flight.

8. Call your mom just because, send your aunt an email telling her all about what you’ve been up to, Skype with a friend who lives far away. Make someone’s day by reminding them how much you love them, and that you just happened to be thinking of them.

9. Walk or bike to the places you always drive or take the train to. Find out what you’ve been missing along the way.

10. Take the number out of your phone that only causes you trouble, that only makes you regret dialing it, that contains a message history that’s too painful or embarrassing to read.

11. Mute the people you can’t logistically cut out of your life, but whose negative social media presence is only draining you on a day-to-day basis.

12. Unfriend/unfollow the people who you can stand to lose. Surround yourself with the digital space that actually makes you a smarter, happier, more compassionate person – you don’t owe anyone your online attention.

13. Light candles for yourself, just because. Make yourself feel like a guest in your own home, because tiny moments of self care go a long way.

14. Spend the extra money on heels that are made of quality materials, won’t give you foot injuries, and won’t need to be replaced once per season.

15. Say “I love you” to the people you love, even if you’re worried they won’t say it back, even if you think it will make you weird in their eyes. If you love someone who doesn’t feel the same, you deserve to know it. And there is only one way to know for sure.

16. Say “I’m sorry” to the people you know deserve to hear it. Swallow your pride and give them the apology that you would want to hear, and tell them how you’ll do better in the future. Ask what you could have done differently, and listen to what they say.

17. Go out on a Tuesday night and have one too many drinks, because it’s fucking fun and the second you swear off Tuesday-night spontaneity forever, you know you’ve gotten old. There’s always room for one impromptu happy hour every so often.

18. Kiss the wrong person and don’t worry what it says about you. It just says that you had a good time, and that people want to kiss you. Take it as the compliment from the universe that it is.

19. Make the trip out to see that person you’re always promising to see. Buy the tickets six months in advance so you can’t turn back, and you have to work extra hard in the meantime. You’ll be glad you did it.

20. Leave the job that’s costing more for your mental health than it’s giving to your bank account. Know that you deserve to be reasonably happy in your job, even if it’s still a job. Don’t give anyone your sanity for a paycheck.

21. Order the fries. Have the extra scoop. Make yourself cupcakes, just because. Being healthy includes mental health, and agonizing over something delicious is never worth it. You can find balance and also find chicken nuggets. Sometimes.

1. No petty jealousy. Sometimes jealousy is a real – and unavoidable – human emotion, and can be totally rational. And it can even be a little flattering. But people who define their relationships by their irrational jealousy, and who are incapable of being trusting, shouldn’t be in a relationship until they work through that themselves.

2. Passionate about their dreams. It doesn’t matter if it’s career-based, or a personal achievement/passion. All that matters is that they have something in mind that’s bigger than today, and bigger than themselves, and they follow it with vigor.

3. Supportive of my dreams, too. If there isn’t room for two people with big horizons in a relationship, it means the relationship is too small.

4. Curious about things they don’t know, haven’t seen, or haven’t tried. People who shut down about anything from fruity cocktails to travel in a foreign country are probably not going to open up like rosebuds as they age. It’s probably going to only be more tightly closed from now through indefinitely, and who wants that?

5. No fragile masculinity. If something is perceived as “girly” or “gay,” that is only a reflection on the perceiver and not on the object itself. A guy who is afraid to wear something fashionable or engage an activity that doesn’t perfectly fit the norms of culturally-accepted masculinity is just, for lack of a better word, boring as shit.

6. Friend to cool people. I’m sorry, if a guy’s bros are just entirely uncool and he is a completely different person with them as opposed to with you, that’s probably a sign you aren’t meant to be together. We’ve all totally morphed our personality to be able to hang with “the guys,” and we know how painful and not-sustainable it is. So you might as well find someone with awesome friends.

7. Matching levels of cleanliness. I’m not a neat freak by any stretch, but I generally do the dishes within the day, and like things to have a moderate level of organization at all times. If you are a neat freak, be with a neat freak. If you are a bit of a pig, find another pig to root around with. But don’t ever be with someone several leagues out of your level of cleanliness, one way or the other.

8. A fair fighter. Anyone who dives straight below the belt is a bad move, but anyone who refuses to engage in any kind of conflict because they’d rather avoid confrontation at all costs is probably not going to be a good fit, either.

9. Honest about what they actually want out of a relationship. Maybe some people are okay with floating in the ether of ~what are we~ for months or even years on end. But for me and, I suspect, many people like me, having a clear idea of what everyone’s long-term plans are somewhat up front is a huge factor in entering the relationship. Because once you catch those feelings, they can’t be un-caught.

10. Good with parents. And, similarly, good with children. Just generally a good sport about having to be in important-yet-not-always-ideal situations, including extended family at holidays and people from high school you run into at the bar on Thanksgiving.

11. Okay with laughing when genuinely funny shit happens, even if it’s somewhere awful like in the bedroom. A guy who can’t laugh at himself – and appreciate the humor in things, regardless of its source – probably won’t be much fun long-term.

12. Doesn’t judge your music. (Okay, maybe a little bit, but only the fact that you listened to “Timber” so much last year.)

13. Respectful of their exes. Generally, anyone who is going to be talking serious shit about all of their exes and/or spilling their darkest secrets is someone you don’t want to be trusting with your heart, because what are they going to do if and when you break up? I guess you can just never, ever break up with them so they don’t tell everyone about that one night at the canal.

14. Knows the power of a surprise. A well-placed breakfast in bed or “no-reason” bouquet every now and again is one of the most powerful tools in a relationship arsenal.

15. A good sport. The most important quality in anyone, probably, but definitely someone for a long-term relationship, is their ability to just be a trooper. To muscle through shit and do what needs to be done, and not spend the whole time either complaining or guilt tripping. A guy who just figures it out and makes the best of it, in everything from carpentry to social activities, is the ultimate keeper. Anyone you settle down with needs to be a trooper.