A very important life skill to have is knowing when to gracefully let something go when it’s no longer meant for you. And this is obviously a very difficult thing to do when it comes to an ex, especially if it’s been an on-and-off situation.

I’ve made the mistake before of ignoring the signs and waiting around, trying to force something to happen when it should have been crystal clear that my ex had zero intention of repairing or continuing the relationship.

I’m going to share the signs that it’s time to move on and also give you an action plan for how to get through it, so keep reading!

1. He Blocks You

If he’s got you blocked on everything and is actively preventing you from contacting him, it’s clear that he has no desire for any form of communication. No smoke signals. No carrier pigeons. He wants to be left alone.

He may even change his number. Look, breakups can make a lot of us go totally unhinged and he could be blocking you because you were too pushy and aggressive about what happened.

In fact, if you’re facing blocked communication now, you don’t even need the rest of this list. This is the point for you to completely walk away and maybe take some time to try and identify why the relationship ended this way.

2. He Says It’s Over, Forever

I had an ex say this to me and oof, it was brutal. But I needed to hear it because it galvanized me to truly start moving on. I’ll admit, it was an absolutely soul-crushing thing to hear, but I needed to hear it because I was holding onto false hope that one day he would see the light and we’d be together.

Could he potentially change his mind? Could he come to the conclusion that he made a mistake and wants you back? Sure. Things happen once in a blue moon but trying to convince yourself that this is 100% going to occur is only going to set you up for heartbreak.

If he says, “It’s over, it’s never going to happen,” just accept it at face value and walk away. If he had any lingering feelings for you, he wouldn’t slam the door shut like that.

3. He Has No Desire To See You

Maybe you suggest meeting up, having a talk, and getting some form of closure but he just seems so uninterested.

If he doesn’t want to see you, it’s because he’s over it and just wants to move on.

But let’s talk about the “closure talk” for a minute because a lot of women seem to think this is a prerequisite for moving on. We just can’t let this go until we sit down with him, face to face, and get a perfectly detailed explanation for why the relationship ended that is wrapped up in a beautiful bow.

First, there is no explanation that will ever leave you feeling satisfied. Next, he’s the last person who can give it to you because he most likely doesn’t even know why the relationship didn’t work out because oftentimes there is no concrete reason … it’s just a feeling. Also, even if he could explain exactly why he doesn’t want you, would you really want to hear it? Would that really make the pain go away? No, it wouldn’t.

Closure means it’s closed. It’s over. It’s done. The fact that he doesn’t want to be with you is all the closure you need so take it at face value and just move on.

4. You’re A Dealbreaker

This is a pretty major sign that you and your ex are not getting back together. Maybe your political beliefs don’t align (and that didn’t used to be such a big deal but in this current climate, oof, boy is it!).

Maybe you’re not of the same religion and that’s a huge problem for him and/or his family. Maybe one person wants kids and one doesn’t. These are all significant.

I think we’ve all been brainwashed a little bit at some point or another to believe that “love conquers all” and you just need to figure it out, that it will all work out in the end. But the fact is that when you’re falling in love, it’s easy to overlook these things because you ultimately want your love and relationship to succeed no matter what and that’s just not reality.

The only way it works out is if one person fundamentally changes their deeply held belief(s) and that rarely works in the long term. It’s just too much for people who are polar opposites to overcome.

Maybe you both got swept up in the moment and went for it (this can happen when the chemistry is particularly explosive), but eventually you come down from that high and realize that love isn’t always enough.

5. He’s Indifferent Toward You

The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.

If your ex hates you, then you still stand a chance because anger is a very strong emotion and there are clearly intense feelings behind it.

On the other hand, if he’s totally indifferent, that’s not a good sign at all. If he doesn’t care that you’re moving on or he’s completely fine with never seeing you again, there’s no hope. His emotions and feelings towards you are basically non-existent.

6. He’s In A Serious Relationship Or Married

Even though it’s not impossible, the chances are extremely low that you are not getting back together with your ex any time in the near future if he’s in a serious relationship or married to someone else.

Nothing is impossible- look at Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, they broke up, moved on and got married and had children, got divorced from their respective spouses, had a a bunch of other serious relationships (and engagements!), and then found their way back to one another. Can these things happen? Sure. But it is a waste of time to invest in that outcome but you never know.

For the sake of your own mental health and wellness, you’ve got to move on if he’s in a serious situation. You cannot set yourself up for disappointment and heartbreak by waiting around and hoping one day he comes back to you.

7. He Moved Far Away

Let’s say you broke up and he happened to move far away. Not just to another town but to another state or country. The chances of anything happening are now almost impossible.

The relationship didn’t work out when you two were in the same place and now you’re separated by hundreds if not thousands of miles. Relationships can be hard enough to maintain without the added stress and logistics of long distance (which I’m never really a fan of, to begin with).

8. He’s Not Jealous At All

This ties into him being indifferent towards you. He doesn’t care if you date anyone new and has no reaction when you post things with guys on social media.

If there was ever a chance of getting back together, there would have to be some leftover feelings there. So, he will have some sort of reaction if he still has any feelings for you.

On the other hand, if he has zero reaction and doesn’t care, it’s a sign that he’s completely moved on and there’s nothing more you can do. And don’t try and post to social media with the goal of trying to make him jealous whether he is or not, that will just make you look and feel pathetic.

9. He Tells You To Move On

If he completely closes the door to anything happening in the future, that means he’s truly done. He doesn’t want to be with you.

If he still has feelings though, he’ll want that door at least a little open whether he steps through it or not. And those can be some of the worst situations because it’s so confusing where you stand and the whole situation-ship seems to drag on and on.

But if he clearly tells you he’s done and that you need to move on, listen to him. He’s not speaking in code. He’s trying to cut things off and go his separate way.

10. It’s Been A Really Long Time Since You Broke Up…

If it’s been a really long time since your breakup and you don’t even run into each other ever, there’s very little chance of something happening.

I mean, things can and do happen- again, look at Jlo and Ben! But you can’t bank on that and it’s just way to risky to gamble your time and your youth on a maybe.

Could something happen in the future? Sure. But we don’t live there. We live in the present so you have to take your current circumstances or what they are.

11. He Ignores You

He doesn’t answer your calls, texts, or other messages. He sees you and tries to avoid conversation. He makes excuses to not be around you.

If you guys have to interact, maybe you have kids together, he just gives you the cold shoulder and tries to keep conversation to the bare minimum. And this is not coming from a place of hate or anger, it’s more indifference like we went over earlier.

If he has no interest in speaking with you, he just has no interest in you.

12. You Just Kind Of Know

You know deep down that it’s over, you might just not want to face it or accept it. A lot of times I get questions and messages in my DMs and email asking for advice but when I give my answer, the person is like, “Yeah, you’re right. I already knew. I just needed to hear it from someone else.”

So, if you already know that the relationship has no chance of survival, you just need to accept it. Go back through the signs and see if they really truly apply to your situation.

Where To Go From Here

If you find that you’re checking off anything on the list, what happens next?

First of all, take inventory of what is it that you want in a partner and a relationship. It’s super important to have a clear understanding of what it is that you want in your romantic life.

Is it him that you want or are you simply attaching a feeling to a person? What is it about him that you still like, that still makes you have feelings for him? What kind of traits does he have that you find yourself attracted to?

If you say you want him because you want to feel loved, he made you feel loved, and you think the only way to feel loved is through being with him, you need to separate the feeling from the person.

So use this as a data point about yourself. I’m someone who wants to feel true love. And then ask yourself how you can increase feelings of love and connection in your life today. Maybe you spend time with friends and loved ones. Maybe you spend time with yourself, because you love is also something you can give yourself!

When women are asked why they want a guy back, a lot of times they talk about the way he made them feel instead of his traits or who he was as a person.

He’s not the only person who can make you feel loved/cherished/seen/connected. I know it might feel that way, like you had this totally unique connection you’ll never have with anyone else ever again but it’s not. You’re going to find something even better because it actually works and will last.

This guy is out there for you but you’re not going to find him if you’re still stuck on your ex and hanging around in the hope he’ll magically change his mind.

First, you have to accept in your mind, body, and soul that the relationship is over and you’re moving on. Next, you determine what kinds of traits you’re looking for in a guy and what you’re attracted to, what you want in a relationship.

Relationships are fraught with anxiety in this day and age, and it’s no surprise why. In these days where “ghosting” has become an acceptable form of breaking up (maybe not acceptable, let’s go with widely practiced instead), with endless dating apps where a guy can find someone shiny and new with a few simple swipes, a time that’s defined as a “hookup culture” when fewer and fewer people are settling down.

While yes, it’s tough, it’s not impossible. It’s not the apps or the culture or the ghosting that’s messing people up; it’s their own self-generated fears and anxieties. That’s the real problem no one really addresses. We do it to ourselves.

I’ve been writing about relationships for nearly a decade now and over and over I see women driving themselves half insane with the obsessing and the analyzing. And I fully relate to all of it because I used to be the same way!

Dating is no longer fun and enjoyable, it’s miserable and makes you sick with fears and doubts. The sad thing is, you cheat yourself out of the most magical part of a relationship — the beginning, the courtship, that time when all you have is the potential. Potential is a beautiful thing, reality is less fun. Like when I get ideas for amazing articles, that’s fun! When I have to sit down and actually write them and make it coherent, less fun, but I digress…

Let’s talk about how stressing screws up your love life and how to keep your relationship anxieties under control.

How Stressing Screws You Up

You don’t need me to tell you that stress is bad for you. We’ve all heard the toll it takes on our physical appearance and emotional wellbeing. But that doesn’t stop most of us from stressing, the same way putting “Cigarettes cause lung cancer” on the front of a pack doesn’t stop people from smoking.

Stress puts us into a primitive state. It activates our fears, and we can’t see beyond them. Stress completely overwhelms our minds, and we can’t access to more evolved, rational parts of our brain. It’s like a piece of paper with a black dot on it. When we’re stressed, that little dot takes over the entire page, and it’s all we see.

Being “stress-free” doesn’t mean you’re walking around like some hippy-dippy zen robot who looks like they took a few too many puffs of the good stuff. It really is just having a feeling of being OK, of realizing there isn’t a problem you need to solve.

This is where the majority of people go wrong in relationships. They are on the defensive waiting for something to go wrong, and they can’t relax and just be.

Instead, they’re on high alert for the worst case scenario to come to pass. They are hyper in tune with things that look like bad signs, or indications that he’s losing interest and doesn’t care anymore … that he’s going to leave at any minute.

When you stress over your relationship, you aren’t able to be in the relationship. Instead of interacting with the person in front of you, you’re caught up in your own mind, interacting with the worried thoughts in your head. And the guy will feel it. He’ll pick up on this negative energy and he will just feel turned off. He won’t know why he’s turned off, he thinks you’re great and he’s attracted to you … but there’s just something he can’t quite put his finger on …

Whenever guys suddenly lose interest, this is usually the reason. I have interviewed so many guys over the years as part of my research and this is a consistent theme whenever I ask them if they’ve ever suddenly lost interest in a great girl … and what the reason was. Most of them will say yes, and sometimes they have legitimate reasons (realized she was a terrible person, her values were off, not attracted enough, etc), but more often they don’t know what it was. They say it was just a “feeling.”

Now here is the big takeaway. This is pretty much the only thing you need to know about men to fully understand them: Men move toward what feels good and away from what feels bad.

When it feels good to be around you, he wants to be around you. When it feels bad, he doesn’t. And it feels bad to be around a stressed out person.

Ok, now that we’ve looked at the ways stressing screws you up, let’s talk about how to get the stress under control.

1. Stressing solves nothing

Here’s the trap we fall into with stressing over things. It feels like you’re doing something. It feels like your being productive. It feels like you’re running on the treadmill. Sure you’re not getting anywhere, but you’re doing something beneficial. But stressing is not the treadmill because the treadmill serves a positive purpose, whereas stressing expends energy for no reason and you gain no benefits.

You feel like if you spin your wheels hard enough you’ll land on some sort of a solution. But instead, you poison your mood and your vibe and your self-esteem. It feels like the stress and worry will lead you somewhere positive like it will open the doors of clarity and confidence and a happy relationship, but this is one big delusion. Stressing multiplies your problems, it doesn’t solve them, and it leaves you emotionally exhausted and battered in the end.

Whenever you catch yourself stressing, try to remind yourself that this is a huge waste of time and you’re getting nowhere.

2. Set a date to panic

A lot of women prematurely panic. They assume there’s a problem when there is none and they live this whole one-sided drama, meanwhile, in boy world, he has no idea anything is amiss.

For example, you’re dating a guy and everything has been going well and then one day he doesn’t text you back and you literally lose your mind.

I remember going through this when I started dating my husband. We had gone on our first and were talking about when to go on the second. I told him I was free Monday and Thursday that week, and he said,”Great, let’s go out on both!” (For context, I dated my husband in high school and we started dating again 11 years later. In that time frame, we weaved in and out of each other’s lives and every time I saw him I secretly hoped things would start up again between us … but they never did, until they did! So it was already a pretty emotionally fraught situation because something I wanted for so, so long was finally happening.)

So we went out on Monday night and I didn’t hear from him at all the next day and I had no idea if we actually had plans on Thursday or not. Maybe he decided he’s not into me. Maybe I talked too much on our date and it was a turn off. Maybe I was too nervous. Maybe he’s not attracted to me. I was drowning in a sea of maybes. I literally felt sick to my stomach. I can’t believe I pushed him away after only two dates. Why do I always mess everything up? Why don’t things every work out for me? And on and on the tragic stream of consciousness went.

Then came Wednesday and I still didn’t hear from him and it was happening again. The panic, the worry, the feeling of terror in the pit of my stomach.

But then I said no. I said no more of this. I will not stress and obsess like I do with every relationship. I decided that I would not worry about this at all, at least not today. I gave myself until Friday. If I don’t hear from him by Friday, then I will allow myself to be upset. Until then, I will not give into these frantic, frenetic thoughts. I will not let this ruin my day or my mood or my self-esteem.

It isn’t always easy, but it’s possible to take control of your mind and your thoughts. When those panicked thoughts started creeping in, I just told them to go away and come back on Friday. This wasn’t the time for them.

And you know what happened? He texted me later that night … and everything as just fine and normal! I easily could have spent that entire day driving myself half insane and for no reason! And that’s what we do to ourselves all the time.

Anytime something like this would come up in our relationship, I would set a date to panic, and pretty much every time, whatever the problem was would resolve itself before I ever got to the day where I was allowed to freak out about it. Soon enough, I realized that there was nothing to ever freak out about and I learned to just be calm and deal with things and not let stress overtake me because like I said, no good ever comes of it.

3. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll be OK

This is another one of my mantras and another line that I tell friends and readers all the time: if it doesn’t work out, you will be OK. You were OK before him, and you will be fine if things don’t work out. For some reason, this basic revelation feels groundbreaking when spoken out loud.

It’s hard to realize something so obvious when you’re in the thick of it because it doesn’t feel OK. It feels like you will combust if he leaves. You just can’t handle that being a reality.

And to that I say, stop attaching so much to what it will mean if things don’t work out. Dating is a discovery process, that’s all. It’s not a means to find happiness or self-esteem or to heal your old wounds. Being in a relationship isn’t a goal to achieve. It is something that naturally happens when you’re dating someone and you both realize it just fits. It feels easy and effortless and being together is just much better than not being together. You mesh, you click, you want the same things.

If one person doesn’t feel this way, then there isn’t much you can do. You can’t force someone to feel what you feel. If he doesn’t want to be with you, he doesn’t want to be with you, and that’s fine. You will find someone who wants you and wants what you want.

It may feel like you will never be able to find anyone as good as him, and maybe you won’t find anyone exactly like him, but that’s a good thing because it didn’t work out with him, so someone different who is better suited for you is what you need!

No matter what, when those panicked thoughts creep in, just remind yourself that you will be OK. Say it as many times as you need to until it really sinks in.

4. Imagine other possibilities

The reason we stress ourselves out so much is because we invest so much in this other person, oftentimes before they’ve shown any real investment in us. There’s an underlying feeling of I need this relationship to work!

Maybe it’s because we just really like him, maybe it’s because we don’t often come across guys we genuinely like and we don’t know when the next one is going to come around, maybe it’s because it just seems so meant to be….

But you can’t attach until that is where you’re at in the relationship, meaning, you’re both on the same page. When I started dating my husband, I really made a solid attempt to not make the mistakes that just seemed to be my default, primarily, stressing and letting my anxieties run rampant.

In the early stages, before we were “official,” I kept my options open, even though he was the only option worth pursuing.

Before we started dating, I was talking to this guy who seemed promising. It was the summer and our schedules just never aligned and we had yet to actually go out, so he was just chilling on the back burner … And there was this other guy who lived down south who was friends with my brother that I had been talking to all summer. He was trying to plan a weekend to come up and meet me, and I kept that door open as well.

I followed my own advice: you’re not in a relationship until you’re in a relationship. And I allowed myself to mentally consider the possible ways my story could unfold.

Either I would end up with my husband, and wouldn’t that make the most romantic story ever? Or I’d end up with the first guy who lived a block away from me and happened to be in Italy at the same exact time as me that summer, but yet we could never find the time to actually meet, wouldn’t that be funny if we wound up together?! Or the guy from the South, the guy who is friends with my brother who actually found me on a dating site and we later made the connection … and both got mad at my brother for not thinking to make the introduction, that would be a cute story!

Or maybe it wouldn’t work out with any of them and that’s fine too because I actually really like being single, so maybe I’ll be single for a little while longer and I feel really happy at this point in time, so I’m cool with that.

Obviously, option A ended up being the winner, but I didn’t cut it off with those guys until my husband explicitly locked me down as his girlfriend (which happened fairly early into the relationship, when you know you know!).

The point I’m making is don’t mentally or physically cut yourself off from other options. You’ll leave much less room for stressing if you have other things to keep you occupied. And if you don’t have any back burner dudes, just mentally keep yourself open to the possibility that it won’t work out with him … and there’s something else in store for you. When you do this, you’ll take the pressure off the situation and let things unfold more naturally, without force of agenda.

5. You have control over your mind

This is a common mistake. We think we have no control. We think our mind runs the show and we let it steer us in any which way, down even the darkest most destructive paths. We let it tell us we’re worthless and useless and unlovable and nothing will ever work out the way we want.

Why do we allow this?!

You have control over which thoughts seep in. If you don’t like what you’re hearing, send those thoughts away and replace them with something different. Your mind heavily influences the way you see the world and interact with it.

Here is a way to see for yourself. Close your eyes and pick a color. Spend about a minute thinking about that color exclusively. Imagine things that are that color, think about what it looks like, how it makes you feel, and so on. Then open your eyes. I guarantee the first item you spot will be something in that color (as long as you don’t do this in an all-white room). And this after only a minute of thinking of something! If you think about how terrible you are, then that’s what you will pick up on in the world.

Don’t let your thoughts control you. Take control! When the negative thoughts creep in, ask them to leave. You can visualize plucking them out like a weed, or telling yourself the opposite thought. It may feel weird, but it works!

Here are the clearest signs you’re with someone emotionally safe, according to Sabrina Bendory, author of Detached.

Their words and actions match

A safe person is consistent. What they promise aligns with what they do, so you don’t have to question where you stand or interpret mixed signals.

Their love feels steady and grounded

Connection with them doesn’t feel chaotic or unpredictable. Their presence brings reliability rather than emotional highs and lows.

Your nervous system relaxes around them

You don’t feel on edge or braced for impact. Around them, you feel calmer, more open, and more like yourself.

They respect boundaries, including their own

They don’t take your limits personally or push past them. They understand that boundaries are part of healthy connection, not a threat to it.

They can handle difficult conversations

Hard topics don’t turn into defensiveness, shutdowns, or power struggles. They stay open, present, and willing to listen, even when it’s uncomfortable.

They offer clarity when you need reassurance

When you ask where you stand, they respond with honesty and transparency, not avoidance, silence, or confusion.

They take responsibility for their emotional health

They regulate themselves instead of projecting onto you. They own their reactions, repair when they miss the mark, and take accountability seriously.

They protect the connection

They don’t use distance, withdrawal, or fear as leverage. They choose repair over control and prioritize the relationship over being right.

Narcissists destroy so deeply because they target your deepest insecurities—your need to be loved, seen, or enough—and use them against you. They don’t just break your heart, they crush your spirit and make you question whether you’re worthy of love at all.

This betrayal of your vulnerability creates a wound that feels personal, as if you were uniquely flawed, when in reality, it’s their pathology at play. Their love-bombing hooks you, their devaluation dismantles you, and their discard leaves you grappling with both the loss of the relationship and the loss of trust in yourself. The trauma bond they create keeps you tethered, even when you know they’re toxic, making detachment feel like an amputation of your very identity.

But the discard isn’t the worst part. The worst part is what it does to you.

You start thinking, “How could someone who said they saw my soul treat me like this?” You replay every conversation. You write out long texts and impassioned arguments that make total sense—but somehow, they never seem to land. They deflect. They twist. They make you feel crazy. They will whip up any sort of word salad to make themselves seem completely innocent and you seem completely unhinged.

They were quick to anger? That’s because you’re being difficult and pushing buttons. Caught them flirting with someone else? That’s because you aren’t satisfying their needs. They disappeared for days? That’s because you’re too clingy. They insulted your dreams? That’s because you’re not being realistic.

You think if you just explain it better, say it more clearly, present the evidence, they’ll finally see the light. But they don’t. They never do. And every time you try, you feel smaller until you feel like nothing.

Eventually, you stop fighting. Not because you’ve healed—but because you’re exhausted. And that’s exactly what they want.

And here she explains, ever so simply, that the signs of a grounded man are subtle but unmistakable, revealed not through declarations, but through consistency, presence, and care in his actions.

Dating a grounded man looks like this:

• You don’t have to guess how he feels about you.
• He follows through on what he says.
• He makes plans — and keeps them.
• He’s not addicted to the chase. He’s available for connection.
• He welcomes your emotions instead of shrinking from them.
• He’s not intimidated by your strength, nor envious of your shine.
• He talks about the future — and includes you in it.
• He doesn’t love bomb or breadcrumb. He builds.
• His presence feels safe, not performative.
• You don’t have to abandon yourself to keep him.
• He doesn’t leer at other women or try to provoke jealousy — because he honors your heart and his own integrity.

The ones with no label, no closure, no clear beginning or end. But somehow… they still wreck you.

People will say, “But it wasn’t even a real relationship.” And technically, maybe that’s true.

But you invested: real time, real hope, real emotion. You got attached.

That makes it real, at least for you.

Unrequited love is a specific kind of heartbreak.

You’re not just grieving someone who’s gone… You’re grieving something that never really existed in the first place. A future you thought was possible. A version of them you believed in.

Almost relationships are confusing because there was just enough to keep you hooked. Enough connection. Enough chemistry. But not enough effort. Not enough consistency. And definitely not enough clarity.

You probably gave way more than you got. More attention. More time. More forgiveness. And deep down, you hoped that if you gave enough, they’d finally show up the way you needed.

But that’s not how this works.

If you’re the only one showing up, the only one worrying about where it’s going, the only one feeling anxious or unsure… then you’re doing all the emotional labor. And that’s exhausting.

You deserve mutual effort. Mutual clarity. Mutual respect.

Love shouldn’t feel like a project you have to manage or control.

You don’t need to prove your worth to someone who isn’t choosing you back.

It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to miss them — or at least the idea of them. But try not to romanticize what wasn’t real.

You weren’t too much. You were just with someone who couldn’t meet you where you were.

This article was written by Thought Catalog Books author Sabrina Alexis Bendory. She is the author of two books You’re Overthinking It and Detached.

A Taurus is the most reliable and dependable sign in all of the zodiac, qualities that are essential in a partner. When a Taurus commits himself, he goes all in. He will do whatever it takes to make the relationship work and go above and beyond. He also enjoys the finer things in life- fancy wine, a good meal, a beautiful home, nice clothing, and so on, and he enjoys spoiling his partner with all of these things. He wants the best and wants to share it – the best items, the best experiences, the best restaurants, best vacations … life with a Taurus man is a luxurious one! A Taurus is also known for persistence and resourcefulness. If you need something done, he’s your guy! 

2. Cancer 

Sensitive and caring are the words most often used to describe Cancers. They are very much in tune with the needs of others and genuinely want their partners to be happy and feel loved. Cancers also like routine and stability. They would much rather stay in and watch a movie with you on the couch than go out on the town. Now maybe this isn’t ideal if you want to live a fast-paced life (if so, consider dating an Aries or Gemini!), but if you want that security and stability, a Cancer is a great husband for you! 

3. Sagittarius 

Optimistic, fun, and adventurous, life with a Sagittarius man is never dull! Life can be tough for all of us, the best part of being with a Sagittarius is they don’t take anything too seriously and can always be counted on to see the silver lining and brighten the mood a bit. They are also very loyal which is one of the most essential traits to have in a partner. 

4. Leo 

Leos love hard and intensely and when they commit, they give it their all. A Leo’s charisma and confidence are infectious, he will raise you up to that level and bring out those sides of you as well. Leos also love life and are full of passion and purpose which is inspiring to be around. When it comes to the people he loves, a Leo is fiercely loyal and protective. Family comes above all else. And while known for being a little self-centered at times, an evolved Leo will shine his light on others and is extremely generous with everything from his time and energy to his money. 

5. Pisces

Sweet and sensitive Pisces give their full hearts and souls to a relationship. He will be attentive to your needs and may place them even above his own. Known for being naturally sympathetic and receptive, your heart will be safe in the hands of a pieces. Their curious and almost childlike spirit is also refreshing and will keep the relationship fun. Pisces also make amazing dads!

Let’s take a closer look at each one. 

Words of affirmation is more than just giving compliments, it’s about being really present and showing genuine appreciation for what your partner does and who they are. 

Physical touch isn’t just about intimacy, it’s also about the nonverbal use of body language. It’s hugs, kisses, cuddling, even an encouraging shoulder squeeze. 

Gifts aren’t just about material items, it’s about thoughtfulness. And if your partner has the love language, you better set several reminders in your calendar for all special occasions and plan thoughtful gifts accordingly! 

Quality time is more than just being together, it’s having focused conversations and really connecting in a deep way. 

Acts of service is more than just doing the dishes, it’s showing your partner that you care by wanting to lighten their load. 

Most people have one primary love language and maybe 1-2 secondary love languages. And your zodiac sign can heavily influence what you prefer. 

Here is what’s most likely to be your love language based on your Zodiac Sign: 

Aries — Words of Affirmation

Aries are bold and fiery. They are passionate and motivated and need a cheerleader to root them on as they pursue their goals. Words of affirmation are all that really speak to an Aries so if you can’t provide that, then this isn’t the right zodiac sign for you to date!

Taurus —Gift Giving and/or Physical Touch

A Taurus loves things. They are material beings and love their aesthetics. They are also highly sensual and physical and feel and express love via physical touch. The combination of the right touches with extravagant or highly thoughtful gifts is irresistible to a Taurus.

Gemini — Words of Affirmation

Geminis are word people and they love to talk. Words are valuable to a Gemini and need to be seen and appreciated. Quality time doesn’t really do it for them, they need you to talk to them. Known for being flighty and fickle, the real way to their heart is for the conversation to be interesting and intellectually stimulating, otherwise, they’ll get bored and lose interest.

Cancer — Quality Time, and/or Physical Touch

Known for their sensitivity and introverted, homebody nature, Cancers crave a lot of quality time. Cancers feel happiest at home or with one person they feel very secure around. They are highly emotional and can be insecure so they crave the warmth and validation of physical touch. The way to a Cancer’s heart is to just be there for them and be a steady and stable anchor in their life.

Leo — Gift Giving and/or Words of Affirmation

Leos are big personalities. They crave attention and want to be seen. The way to Leo’s heart is really to tell them how great they are! This will make you irresistible. They also appreciate big and exciting gifts. They have big personalities and like to live large. If you praise them and give to them, you’re golden.

Virgo —Acts of Service and/or Words of Affirmation

Virgos are perfectionistic. They are always doing, always trying to get things just right. They are in constant motion. A Virgo really appreciates a partner who sees the effort they put in and genuinely appreciates it. They also really appreciate having someone to take a load off them and take care of them. Just make sure to do things exactly the way they like it or they’ll end up doing it all over themselves!

Libra — Gift Giving and/or Acts of Service

Libras love nice things and really value nice gifts. They also love feeling taken care of and being doted on so the combination of fancy and thoughtful gifts plus acts of service is the quickest route to a Libra’s heart

Scorpio — Physical Touch and/or Quality Time

Scorpios are sensual and highly sensitive. They can’t be with a cold person (although that is how they can come across!), they need warmth. They need a loyal, committed partner who will be all in. Their need for physical touch and quality time is on the higher end of the spectrum but if you satisfy their love needs, they will be the best, more loyal partners you could ever imagine.

Sagittarius — Words of Affirmation and/or Quality Time

A Sagittarius is always on the go. They are world travelers, they love life and want a partner in crime to ride along with them. They need a partner who appreciates their fun, adventurous spirit and will support them for who they are instead of trying to force them into a box. Give a Sagittarius the space and appreciation they need, and they will be yours forever.

Capricorn — Gift Giving and/or Words of Affirmation

Capricorn is the most driven and motivated sign in the zodiac. As an earth sign, they are very much rooted in the physical world and are driven to both achieve and acquire. A Capricorn really appreciates their possessions and revels in them. They also need to be acknowledged and appreciated for all they do. If you go big with the gifts and the praise for a Capricorn, they will be yours!

Aquarius — Words of Affirmation and/or Acts of Service

Aquarians are not grounded in reality, they despise the triviality of the day-to-day. They have grand dreams and visions. They want to save the world and all humanity! As such, they really do appreciate a partner who can assist them by doing things to help them while they focus on helping everyone else. Aquarians are out of the box and have a unique perspective on the world. They often feel like outsiders and need a partner who will really value and appreciate them for their independent nature.

Pisces — Quality Time And/or Acts of Service

Pisces are highly sensitive and need a lot out of their partners. They crave intense quality time where they can really connect deeply. They also appreciate being cared for so acts of service go far.

No one would deny that love is a beautiful, transformative experience, but at the same time, it’s important to have a realistic understanding of what it actually is. Here are the top five biggest misconceptions about love:

1. It’s supposed to be difficult

The predominant depiction of love in movies and on TV is that it’s supposed to be a challenge, something you fight for at all costs and don’t ever give up on. While this certainly makes for good entertainment, it’s not a realistic portrayal of love.

Relationships do take work, but falling in love (in a healthy way) is a relatively effortless process. It’s not filled with hours of analyzing what he meant when he said XYZ…or feeling a sense of impending doom at all times…or making these grand sacrifices and compromising who you are for the sake of the one you love. Who can forget the final scene in “Grease” when Sandy ditches the poodle skirt and sweater set for second-skin black leggings, an edgy bomber jacket, and a cigarette between her lips while Danny literally falls at her feet, overcome by pure lust and a need to have her right there in the carnival fun-house.

This is not what love looks like! When someone truly loves you, you will not have to mold yourself in order to fit with them, the pieces will naturally click.

The drama so often associated with love usually only applies to unhealthy relationships, ones that result from infatuation, obsession, or unrealistic expectations, rather than a genuine connection. A healthy, loving relationship is one where two people can be their authentic selves and look at what they can give to the relationship, rather than what they can get from it. Both people complement each other and are able to give what the other needs, and happily receive what their partner has to give. You should never have to fight for someone’s love, or plot ways to make someone love you. When it’s real and genuine, it will flow easily and effortlessly.

2. Love conquers all

From music to movies to literature, everywhere you turn in mainstream media you hear love is all you need, love conquers all, love lifts us up where we belong, and I could go on and on. Love is for sure a beautiful thing. Love is also necessary in order for a relationship to last, but it’s not enough. Sometimes two people just don’t fit, it’s unfortunate, but it’s just a fact.

The reason most people are so jaded is they stay in relationships that aren’t working for way too long. They try to be what the other person needs, they try to make it work by any means necessary, they try with all their might and wind up broken and defeated. You simply cannot shove a square peg into a round hole. It doesn’t matter how many ways you try, you will never be able to make it fit.

There’s this idea that if you love someone enough, you’re it will just work out. But sometimes it doesn’t. It doesn’t mean your love wasn’t real, it just means that there were other factors at play and as a result, it just couldn’t work long-term.

While love is very powerful and capable of conquering some things, it isn’t always strong enough to conquer others, like different backgrounds, values, goals, visions for the future for example. Most of all, love simply cannot conquer incompatibility.

3. Only true love lasts

Picking up from where I left off in number two, an important truth to realize is not all love if meant to last, sometimes it’s just part of the journey. Loving someone does not mean they are the right person for you. It doesn’t guarantee you a happily ever after. More often than love leading to marriage, love leads to heartbreak…and the heartbreak can lead to growth..and this growth can lead to another love, one that can lead to a lasting marriage.

I have loved several wrong people in my life. While some of those experiences left me with a lot of shattered pieces to put back together, time has shown that none of those guys were right for me. It doesn’t mean the love we shared was flawed or not enough, it just means that we weren’t right for each other.

The sad fact is most relationships end with bitterness and hate. One or both people leave the relationship thinking they were owed something, and they blame the other for not following through on this unwritten promise. If we could all just realize that love does not guarantee a happy ending, we would be able to move forward much more easily, and would be able to start a new relationship with an open heart, rather than one shrouded by pain and disappointment.

4. You “just know” when it’s right

One of the biggest misconceptions about love is that you “just know” when you find the “right one.” The mentality frees you of all responsibility in your love life… you don’t need to work on yourself or prepare for love, just go about your business and someday the right one will drop into your life and you’ll just know.

In order to fall in love with the right person, you need to be in the right place emotionally. If you don’t find love from within, you will never be able to let it in from the outside. No one likes to talk about this part though because this takes work, and the idea of some perfect person just entering your life and being the other half of your circle, the yin to your yang, is just so much easier, and far more romantic.

In order to correctly identify the right one for you, you need to know who you are. You need to know your values, your boundaries, your fundamental needs, your wants, what you can compromise on, and what your absolute deal breakers are. When you are in this place and the right person comes along, the one who understands you and sees you and connects with you and can give you what you need in a relationship, it will feel right and you will just know.

It’s also worth noting that love is something that can grow over time, it’s not always instant fireworks that erupt as soon as your eyes meet. A lot of the time women reject perfectly good guys after a few dates because they “just didn’t feel it.” I’m not saying you should settle, but I am saying you should adjust your idea of what love should feel like.

A lot of the time we reject the guys who would be good to us (and for us) because we are not yet in a place where we can receive true love. Instead we feel drawn to the guys who are unavailable and get caught up in trying to prove our worth and show him we’re good enough. This toxic dating style happens when you don’t feel worthy of love on some level…and going after these kinds of guys validates that notion.

A big part of preparing yourself for love is letting go of resentments from the past–be it ex boyfriends, your parents, your friends–make an effort to let go of any lingering resentment you feel because the truth is, holding onto this negativity is hurting you more than anyone else.

When you hold onto faulty beliefs such as, “All men are commitment-phobes” or, “The guys I like always dump me” you sow the seeds for a self-fulfilling prophecy.

5. Love is all you need

When we think of what it takes to have a lasting, happy relationship, people of course say love is the most essential ingredient, next usually comes good communication, shared goals, and the like. But no one ever talks about the importance of lust.

Love and lust are often painted as opposites, with the former being pure, transcendent, and full of light while the later is depraved and full of darkness. They say love is giving, lust is taking; love is selfless, lust is selfish. While in its pure, isolated state lust can be a negative thing, so can love (at least, in romantic relationships). When your relationship is pure love, you have a level of comfort and familiarity. Married people and couples who live together know what this is like.

You love your partner very much, and can be completely comfortable around them…but sometimes things become a little too comfortable and the passion you once felt is nowhere to be found. This isn’t the result of lack of love, it’s lack of lust.

In a romantic relationship, love will give you stability, partnership, acceptance, but lust will give you passion, fire, and sexual satisfaction.

Here’s a situation I’ve definitely found myself in and I’m sure you can relate. You meet someone, something clicks, and suddenly a force takes you over.

After this encounter you can’t–for the life of you–get this guy out of your head. You try to think about other things, but nothing works. You ruminate over every detail of your interaction with him–what he said, what you said, what his body language said. You think about the things you wish you had said.

You check your phone constantly to see if he called or texted. If he does, your stomach drops, your heart races, you want to leap off your seat and scream for joy. And then of course you need to figure out the exact right thing to say back to him, the perfect quip to show him that you’re perfect for each other.

The high continues as you venture into a relationship and becomes even more intense. You never quite know where you stand with him. The uncertainty keeps you on your toes, constantly on alert for something that looks like a bad sign or an ominous foreshadow. This emotional rollercoaster is as exhausting as it is thrilling. You’re hooked. The worst possible thing that could happen is him leaving. It’s a fear you can’t quite shake no matter how promising the situation looks, a fear that drives everything you say and do.

Now another scenario.

You meet a guy, you think he’s nice and all, you have good conversation, he gets your number, and while you’re pleased, you don’t go into a tizzy over it. You may check his Facebook profile, but only for a few minutes. You are happy to hear from him if he calls or texts, but you don’t notice the hours that pass in between your interactions. You go out a few times, not expecting much, but soon enough your interest and attraction begins to grow. Things feel calm, there’s no drama, no heart palpitations….and it feels really nice.

Which relationship do you think has a stronger chance of survival?

Instinctively, you would say the second one. In real life, you would fall for the first. That’s because the first scenario illustrates everything we’ve ever been told about love.

In movies and romance novels, love is this grand, all-consuming force that takes you over in the most dramatic of ways. There are huge obstacles to overcome, but it’s okay because love conquers all! I mean, would any of us have cared for “The Notebook” if Ali and Noah were of the same social status, went on a few lukewarm dates, then got to know each other and developed a deepening connection over time? Don’t think so.

Unhealthy Relationships Start With A Pull

I hate to do this to you, but I’m gonna take the romance right out of those dramatic relationships where you get engulfed in your feelings for the other person. In most cases, the pull we feel to another person is guided by our unconscious desire to rectify some issue from our past.

For instance, if your parents always made you feel like you weren’t good enough, you may seek out guys who are full of themselves and treat you like you’re not worthy of their love in an attempt to rectify those feelings from your past.

If your father was very critical, you may find yourself drawn to a man who is very critical and try to win over his love and approval to heal from the hurt of your fathers rejection. These decisions aren’t conscious, they happen very deep beneath the surface in areas we can’t access. When we meet someone, we immediately assess everything about them (again, this happens unconsciously).

On a conscious level, you may assess the things he said, on an unconscious level, you’re looking at his body language, his tone, the way he phrases things, how much eye contact he makes, his demeanor. If your unconscious finds something familiar in that person, something that reminds you of an unresolved hurt from the past, it will light up and push you towards that person. (A great book to learn more on this concept is “Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix. I would even call it a must-read.)

You may also unconsciously seek out partners who have some quality that is under-developed in you. For example, if you’re a Type-A workaholic and always wished you could ease up, you may be drawn to a laid back partner who isn’t detail-oriented. These example might not describe your situation, but they illustrate a deeper point.

Unhealthy relationships almost always begin with the pull. The problem is, we don’t recognize them as unhealthy because we’re brought up to believe in things like love at first sight.

Moving away from the psychological factors at work here, infatuation in general can be a dangerous thing. It causes you to put him on a pedestal and overlook his flaws. Since he’s so “perfect” you become afraid to be yourself–I mean, how could your true self ever compete with perfection?

You don’t want to say the wrong thing and scare him off, so you aren’t genuine in your interactions. You rely on his approval so desperately that you also become a bit needy. You may not act needy, but it’s something that lurks beneath the surface and he will pick up on it… they always do.

Healthy Relationships Build Slowly

Healthy relationships, on the other hand, begin with mutual interest and attraction that grows over time. If you can internalize this, it will change the way you date forever.

The best way to have a healthy relationship is to go slow. This will create an environment for you to allow your level of interest and attraction to grow steadily over time, rather than flooding you all at once in a big emotional tsunami. It’s difficult to remain objective in relationships, especially for women since we are naturally more emotional.

If you spend all your time with him, you risk overlooking very critical information about who he really is and if this relationship is built to last. Just because people feel strongly for each other doesn’t always mean they can be together.

It is imperative to have a foundation of compatibility, shared goals and interests, and common values. Some things simply can’t be negotiated. Before you emotionally invest, it is very wise to determine if you are fundamentally compatible. And the best way to do this is go slow.

When you first meet someone, you want to spend every minute of every day with them. You talk for hours and hours on the phone, text all day, and you can’t get enough. The obvious reason this is problematic is because you may end up relying too heavily on the relationship for your happiness, but also, you don’t get a break from the emotional excitement and stimulation of it all. Then, if you realize this guy may not be right for you, you’ll be in too deep to get yourself out of the situation. You’ll instead rely on some cliche like “love conquers all” to justify staying with him.

The Solution

I am not saying to stay away from guys you feel a strong immediate attraction to and only date guys who you’re only “meh” about. I think you should date both kinds of guys- the infatuation guy could turn out to be a loser and the “meh” guy could turn out to be the love of your life (I’ve seen it happen countless times!).

Either way you have to date smart. This will come more naturally with “meh” than it will with the object of your infatuation.

If you just met or just started seeing someone, I strongly advise that you try to go on one to two dates a week and that’s it. Also try to keep your phone conversations somewhat short, maybe an hour and a half max. This will give you the chance to get to know the other person while also giving you the space to decide if he is the right match for you.

So many girls make the mistake of getting caught up in how the guy feels about them rather than focusing on how they feel about him.

You can avoid falling into this trap by doing regular reality checks. Make sure you see him and the situation clearly. The best way to do this is to make sure you can recognize his flaws. The way you know you’re infatuated is if you see no flaws. Everyone has flaws.

When you get in over your head, you may convince yourself that something like him wanting to live in the country and you wanting to only live in a city is not such a big deal. Someone who maintains a more objective perspective will realize she would be miserable living in the country and since this guy wouldn’t live anywhere else, she would get out of the situation.

I’ve seen (and personally experienced) many situations where a couple breaks up after a long period of time because of some issue that was apparent right from the beginning- they’re different religions, want to live in different states, one person doesn’t want kids. In every one of these situations, the couple believed that things would magically just work out. Imagine how much time, effort, and heartbreak they would have saved had they been dating with their head instead of their heart from the beginning.

Want more writing like this? Read You’re Overthinking It: Find Lifelong Love By Being Your True Self by Sabrina Bendory here.